Stay Tuned...In Your Mind

When I was young, I watched a lot of TV. I learned so much: how to say “cerrado” from Sesame Street, how to fix family crises in less than thirty minutes and how to solve crimes wearing a bikini. Hey, it was the 1970s.

Maybe it’s because I was an only child for most of those years, but I spent a lot of time thinking about the characters I discovered on TV and in books. I wondered what they did in life beyond the scope of one show or a few classics. Did Nancy Drew grow up to be Nancy Grace? Is Encyclopedia Brown a dot-com millionaire recluse? Did Jack Tripper ever achieve his dreams, or is he now managing an Olive Garden and spending way too much time at night on Internet poker sites? Did Bruce Banner find a cure for his Hulkiness and go into the fashion business designing rip-proof distressed jeans?

When I’m stressed out from the freelance life of interviews and deadlines, my mind floats off to all those characters and what they might be doing now. Some people meditate, I create whole new worlds for Bigfoot and the Six Million Dollar Man to continue the passionate friendship frowned upon by so many small-minded people.

Overactive imagination. Just one of the perks of being a writer.

Are there characters you still think about long after the book or show is over?

Looking back, stepping forward

As the hours of 2010 wind down, I think of the old saying, “Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.”

Although this wasn’t a particularly prosperous year for me, it was an amazing education. I’ve learned more about the art and business of writing in the last twelve months than I have in the previous five years. I’ve tried new things that scared the crap out of me, kept going when things felt rough and discovered a sense of accomplishment I never thought possible. The world of queries, proposals, partials, short stories, anthologies, beta reading, critiquing, marketing, branding and yes, rejection, has opened new possibilities for me. Thanks to all my friends for the sharing, caring, advising, poking, sympathizing, urging and laughing on Facebook, Twitter, Absolute Write and real life.

2010 may not have given me what I wanted, but it gave me something better than I could imagine in the first place. I became an Erma, a zombie poet and a braver person. To those who saw their dreams come true this year, congratulations! To the rest of us, 2011 has left the door open wide. All we have to do is charge in, jump on the couch and order room service. Happy New Year!

Three Random Writing Tips

I'm celebrating my tenth year as a freelance writer, and recently I've been thumbing through old clips, queries and other stuff that stacks up in those file folders over time. This made me think: what have I learned in my years of freelancing that I could pass on to new writers? These completely random tips are simple things that paid for themselves, and I hope they can help you as well.

The SRSASE (Self-Returning, Self-Addressed Stamped Envelope)

This tip was passed on to me when I attended my very first writing conference as a fresh-faced newbie. Although hard copy queries and submissions sent through snail mail are becoming a thing of the past, some markets still insist on the postal method. When you send a SASE, use your own name and address as the return address. If you’ve misjudged the number of stamps required, you’ll still get that response back from an editor, even if it returns with postage due. Under my return address, I’ll add a code (like Re:Grit or Re:SEP for Saturday Evening Post) so I know which publication is answering my query before I open it.

Clip Worksheet

Keep a list of your published clips and update it frequently. Your list should include the title of the clip, the publication it appeared in and publication date. Even better, create an Excel spreadsheet for your clips, add in genre (short story, essay, article, interview, etc.) and publication rating (1 for national, 2 for trade, 3 for regional, 4 for local, etc.) so you can sort your list any way you need. This isn’t just for your own record-keeping; publications and other writing gigs will occasionally request this information, and if you keep it up to date, you won’t waste hours pulling it together at the last minute.

Professional Is As Professional Does

Some publications accept submissions from their readers as well as from freelance writers. With most of these pubs, submitting as a reader pays far less. When you send a query or submission, be professional. Don’t go on about how many years you’ve read the magazine, or how you would love to see your name in print. Research the magazine so you know which editor should receive your query, prepare your letter in standard business format and present yourself as a professional freelancer. Use standard query language (here is a great primer on queries if you don’t know the basics) and mention your previous writing clips if you have them. I can tell you from experience this means the difference between a $50 check and a $400 check. Acting in a professional manner always pays off in freelance writing.

Five Ways to Celebrate National Poetry Month

Forget Easter; the poet's biggest holiday, National Poetry Month, is almost here! Soon, the poetry bunny will leave colored metaphors and chocolate stanzas for all the little poets to enjoy. Some will even receive a fuzzy thesaurus, although these delicate creatures must be treated with care and respected. While you're munching on a candy haiku, read through the list below so you'll have other things to do in celebration.

1. Start a community poem on Twitter or Facebook. Ask your friends to chip in, line by line. When it’s done, post it on your blog. Don't even apologize for the inevitable foul language and double entendres.

2. Spot three references to poetry as you go through your day. Example: you saw that Levi’s commercial with a quote from Walt Whitman’s “America,” spotted a poster of Maya Angelou at the library, and read a dirty limerick from the bathroom wall. Yes, it counts, but those “For a good time” scribbles don’t unless there’s more than two lines.

3. Buy a book of poetry. Hey, poets have to eat something besides broken dreams and irony. Read it if you feel adventurous.

4. Find your favorite poem from childhood and recite it aloud to your kids tonight. If they complain, tell them that people used to read many works longer than 140 characters.

5. Volunteer to conduct a mini-workshop for an elementary school class and teach them how to write a haiku. This will be easier if you show up in a martial arts outfit and play the song "Kung-Fu Fighting" in the background. Bonus points if you bring a live panda that actually knows kung-fu and can recite Basho.

Never heard of National Poetry Month? Get thee to Poets.org. And stay tuned, there will be more ways to celebrate NPM next week!


Image by Francesco Marino, courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Oprah Ends Show, Millions of Would-be Authors Must Find New Pipedream

When Oprah Winfrey announced the end of her show this week, the fallout extended beyond the millions of inconsolable viewers who will soon be jonesing for their next ‘A-ha moment’ fix. Thousands of writers who spent their time staring out the window and dreaming about touting their wares on the Oprah show now have to find a new dream.

“It’s such a blow to my irrational expectations of immediate success,” said Arpdoodle Whipcan, author of several works-in-progress. “Without Oprah, what can I hang my hopes of instant literary stardom on? My talent? Please.”

Looralou Fishbucket also shares Whipcan’s pain. She’s the author of the unauthorized sequel to “1984” by George Orwell. Fishbucket’s epic “1999” mixes Orwell’s shades of inescapable doom with Prince’s soulful party beats, all set to a “Big Funky Sister is Watching You” theme. Or it would, rather, if she actually finished the manuscript.

“Dreaming about my book scoring a spot on Oprah’s Book Club is what made me sit down at the computer every day,” she said. “What kept me there was constant updating on Twitter and my Farmville wealth on Facebook. Without that dream, what am I supposed to do now? Actually write?”

Other authors are picking up the pieces and moving on. Some scribes have reportedly tried dreaming about an appearance on “The View,” but these dreams ultimately prove unsatisfactory, with less than stellar results for their book on the imaginary New York Times bestseller list.

“I’ve tried daydreaming about pitching my book on “The Daily Show” or “The Colbert Report,” said Dickson Dungbeetle, would-be author of “I Know I Am, But What Are You?”

“The problem is, I’m not snarky or intelligent enough to verbally spar with Stewart or Colbert, even in my mind,” he said. “I keep getting nailed by Colbert, and my book never receives the fake bump.”

While would-be authors still have many months to keep procrastinating with dreams of Oprah-sized success, many have accepted their fate and are actively searching for new pipedreams, such as being discovered by Stephen King at an elementary school book fair. A brave few have even taken the drastic step of working once again on their manuscripts, with surprising results.

“Once I started writing again, I realized this book was crap,” said Dungbeetle. “Maybe I’ll take a course on creative writing or try out for some VH1 reality shows to fill the time until the next Oprah phenomenon comes along.”

Quiz: How 'Green' Are You As A Writer?

Overall, the writing lifestyle has its environmental perks; many writers work from home offices, sighing with relief at avoiding carpools, long commutes, and rising gas prices, but we also stockpile enough books and magazines to start our own libraries. Are you a truly green writer, worthy of the recycled trash laurel, or do you walk around with Godzilla’s carbon footprints? Find out if your thriftiness and eco-friendly ways truly mesh into a lifestyle so earth-positive, the penguins will sing glorious songs about you in decades to come with this quiz.

When your printer runs out of ink, what do you do?
a. Get out the latex gloves and CSI syringe kit; it’s time to refill!
b. I turn in my ink cartridges for recycling and buy reconditioned cartridges.
c. Pop a new cartridge in and throw the old one in the trash; recycling that little square won’t save the earth.
d. Since ink is more expensive than printers, I just buy a new printer and use the old one as a yard decoration.

How do you prefer to do interviews?
a. By phone, and I type notes while using a digital voice recorder and rechargeable batteries.
b. By e-mail, although I have to watch my spam filter and make sure nothing gets trapped with the massive manhood ads.
c. Face to face, especially if I can ride my “Jimmy Olson cub reporter” super-scooter.
d. I’ll hop a plane to get the ultimate interview, even if it’s just the county fair recipe winner two cities over; I need the frequent flyer miles.

When you’re ready to get a new computer, what do you do with the old one?
a. I find a charity or group that refurbishes computers and gives them to the needy.
b. I pay the extra fee to have the components recycled, even if it still works.
c. I give it to my hacker nephew so he can continue his plans for online world domination while stealing my identity.
d. I keep my computer until it’s a useless doorstop, then pile it with the others out back to use in building my fort.

If you have to go out into the big, bad world to do an interview, which mode of transportation do you use?
a. Subway or bus all the way, baby!
b. I drive a vegetable-oil-powered vehicle, and knock everyone off their diets with the smell of French fries as I pass by.
c. I live in a rural area where there’s no public transportation, so I drive a Ford Escort with a gun rack.
d. I drive a Hummer with a spotted owl hanging from the rear view mirror, and I’m selling off body parts on eBay to buy the gas.

How do you back up files and manuscripts?
a. I archive files to an external hard drive and back up works-in-progress on a USB flash drive; I hardly use any paper.
b. I save most files on a CD, and use recycled paper to print out drafts that need proofreading.
c. I print out everything, from the forwarded joke my mother sent me to market guidelines, but I do turn the paper over and use it again.
d. What do you mean, back up files?

When you need new office supplies, do you:
a. Save some gas, check online at Freecycle and see if someone has a chair to give away.
b. Hit the yard sales! There’s got to be a five-dollar filing cabinet in good shape out there somewhere.
c. Ask my friend’s cousin Vito if anything has fallen off a truck lately.
d. Call up Staples and see if they’ll deliver a single ream of printer paper to my door.

Plagiarism: reduce, reuse, or recycle?
a. Reduce! Generating new thoughts leaves no carbon footprint, and strengthens the brain.
b. Reuse! Why think up new stuff? It may be illegal and bad for the karma, but it’s good for the earth.
c. Recycle! I can re-write that article and sell it online. All I lose is a little chunk of my soul and my self-respect.
d. This is a silly question. I’m not answering silly questions.

How freely do you give away business cards?
a. I write down a person’s email address and send them a virtual business card.
b. I have one business card with a tiny bungee cord attached; when the person walks away with it, the card snaps back into my pocket.
c. I’ll give one out if an editor, agent or Stephen King asks for it.
d. I go to writers’ conferences, find a balcony, and shower the crowd with them like Mardi Gras beads.

How big is your book and magazine stockpile?
a. Pretty small; I find what I need to know through e-books, websites and blogs.
b. Small to medium; I look up markets online, read back issues at the library, and only buy something if my article is in it.
c. Medium to large; I still like having something in my hands to read, but I give out old publications to nursing homes, doctors’ offices, and as treats for Halloween.
d. Huge! My picture hangs in a place of honor in most advertisers’ offices, and the subscription clerk has me on speed dial.

Has the eco-friendly movement changed your writing habits?
a. Yes, I only submit work to online magazines or publications printed on recycled paper.
b. Yes, I’m writing queries for all magazines about living the green life.
c. Yeah, I’ll probably churn out a quiz just like this one. How hard could it be?
d. No; if global warming happens and half the earth is covered in water, my chances for getting published just shot up into the stratosphere.

Scoring: A-5 points; B-4 points; C-3 points; D-2 points

Your score:
40-50: Congratulations, Al Gore is bicycling over to your house now to give you a compostable Certificate of Accomplishment and your lovely Green Pen award, made out of corn.

30-39: Pretty good; you’re cutting down on resources, and saving some money. You might need a few more deductions come tax time, though.

20-29: Not bad, but not great, either. Kick it up a notch and slap some solar panels on that laptop computer, or the polar bears will be bunking with you.

2-19: Watch out when crossing the street; Ed Begley, Jr. has his electric car all charged up, and is gunning for you. When he strikes, you won’t even get an interview afterward.

Resolution Solution

Everyone makes New Year's resolutions, because it's the one promise you don't feel guilty about when you break it. I've made tons of resolutions over the years, and one topped the list each time: lose weight. In 2008, I didn't make that resolution, and I've lost nearly fifty pounds. I'm healthier than I have been in years.

So while I made a resolution a few days ago to turn in my work before the deadline and keep my editors from going prematurely gray, 2009 may be the year of the anti-resolution for me. Either way, I'll try to be nicer to both of my wonderful editors.

As for goals, I intend to keep losing weight. Writing more and selling more are in the mix, too. And hey, if there's some peace, love and happiness, throw that in the cart as well.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Clutching Your Marbles: Keeping Sane As A Writer

Working at home may be one of the best perks in a writer’s life, but many aren’t prepared for the inevitable solitude. Even if you have a family whizzing past every day, you are still missing out on social interaction. Gossiping, complaining, or just discussing events with other grown-ups are a vital part of everyday life and something we all took for granted back when we had day jobs. That feeling of isolation, especially if you don’t have many friends that understand what you do for a living, can unstring your mental tennis racket, and have you talking to the wallpaper in short order, and unduly affecting your productivity. Having a network of friends, either in real life or cyberspace, is invaluable for perspective, feedback and inspiration. Here are a few tips to vent that inner steam and find a few buddies, before the wallpaper starts chatting back.

Join a network. There are so many social networking sites out there: MySpace, Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter, just to name a few. My new favorite is Plurk, which tracks your mini-conversations through a timeline, and is easy to use; you can chat as much as you like, then drop it into the background, and catch up when you take a break. For me, Plurk most closely replicates the kind of quick, easy conversation found in an office environment, without all the office drama and politics. MySpace and Facebook have more users, giving a lonely author more chances to connect with like-minded friends, and LinkedIn is an excellent resource for mixing business with a touch of pleasure, allowing you to upload your professional resume and qualifications, and adding friends to your own circle of talent. Most social media sites have a healthy number of friendly, helpful writers online, and I haven’t seen a site yet that turned away a newbie. There's also excellent communities for writers in Second Life as well.

Find a forum. The communication isn’t as instant as social networking sites, but joining an online forum can really open up your world. My writing consciousness has expanded threefold after finding an online bulletin board; I’ve learned so much in the last year and met writers in every genre, from erotic horror to television screenwriters and more. Forums can also be useful in answering those everyday questions, from formatting issues to keeping records and invoicing. Often, writers will share leads on the latest news in publishing, or new markets that haven’t hit the magazines yet. Some boards even have FAQ files for new writers, and special threads, or discussions, to answer newbie questions. Instead of quick chats, a forum allows longer, more in-depth discussions to occur, letting all participants join in with opinions, experiences and advice.


Attend a conference. Let’s admit it; many people don’t understand the day-to-day job of a writer. As writers, we live in our own heads, and get paid for the words we pull out on a daily basis. We wonder about strange things, and ask weird questions. Every conference I attend, I overhear this phrase: “It’s so wonderful to talk to someone who doesn’t think I’m crazy!” Even if you can only go to one conference a year, a weekend of talking face-to-face with other writers can last you for months. Conferences are also great for meeting folks who write in your genre, from magazine writing to fiction to creative non-fiction and more. As a magazine writer surrounded by a region rich with western and romance authors, I’m always thrilled to find another freelancer whenever I travel to a conference. Finding someone who understands your niche’s particular quirks can be mind-saving. Also, don’t make my mistake when I first started venturing out to writers conferences; I was so shy, I sat in the back for every talk, then left immediately afterward so I wouldn’t seem awkward. While the seminars and workshops are definitely worth the price of admission, it’s the social events that provide lasting connections with your fellow wordsmiths. Attend a banquet, or just pal up for lunch or an after-hours get-together, and you’ll get twice the reward for your conference dollar.

Get with the group. A well-balanced writers group can be an excellent way to improve your craft and talk shop; many groups have social time either before or after the official get-together, and some alternate critique nights with informational meetings. A writers group is more structured than online networking, so it’s very important to find one that fits you. Great groups offer a nice mix of mentors and newbies, give constructive criticism to help you grow as a writer, and let each member have a chance to shine. While it’s easiest to join an existing group, you can also start your own writing group: there are several handy books and websites on the subject, including the Writer Groups Starter Kit at http://www.unc.edu/depts/wcweb/handouts/WritingGroups/starterpage.htm, which is targeted toward college students, but has some very useful—and free-- worksheets and handouts available for download.


Open a book. If you still need some real-world contact but a writing group isn’t for you, consider joining a book club. You’ll meet interesting, literate people, enjoy a good book every so often, and you’ll learn more about readers and their tastes. You’ll also read works you wouldn’t normally choose for yourself, which could open your eyes to new inspirations.

Do some good. Volunteering for a few hours each week is the best way to get completely out of your own head and focus on helping someone else. Whether you take on a day at the local food bank or a few hours sorting treasures at the hospital guild thrift shop, you’ll find good-hearted people who don’t care about your writer issues; they are just glad you’re there. Since part of your brain is always working, you’ll also likely find some amazing, uplifting stories to write about later.

Make a date. We’ve all heard of Julia Cameron’s book, The Artist’s Way, and her soul-saving creativity technique, the artist date, where you take a day off and explore what inspires you. Instead of taking a day to focus on yourself, think up some questions and head out with new purpose. Ask the supermarket checkout lady about her family (provided there’s no one behind you in line, of course), or tell the librarian that you love her new bracelet/outfit/hairdo. Once, I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I complimented a girl on the lovely shade of blue in her arm tattoo. Her smile bloomed like a spring flower, and we spent five minutes talking about art. It isn’t in-depth conversation, but you’ll be amazed at the effect it has on the other person; everyone loves to be asked about themselves, and making them feel better will boost you, too. You may even forge some new friendships along the way.

While the writing life may solitary in nature, it doesn’t have to be a lonely existence. Just having someone to cheer when you receive an acceptance or pat you on the back when the rejections come in will keep you focused and productive. Whether you choose the company of other authors, or seek out new friends, you’ll reap the benefits in both your career and private life.

Inspirational surplus

I saw a truck go past yesterday marked "Christian Book Outlet and Inspirational Surplus." Although that last part had a completely different meaning, those two words grabbed the keys, gassed up my imagination, and roared off.

I love the thought of inspirational surplus, a warehouse full of ideas, notions and wild theories. In my mind, it looks like the final scene of Indiana Jones and the Lost Ark, managed by Dr. Seuss characters and hobbits. Tiny nuggets of inspiration spark in my brain all day long, especially when I go outside in the big, wide world. I obey the laws of writerdom and keep a notebook and pen with me, because snippets of conversation, fluttering brochures, and tiny acts of human nature constantly keep me entertained. Sometimes they end up being articles, essays or blog posts. Other times, they just feed the fire of my fancy.

Either way, it's so much livelier and positive than "I have an overactive imagination and too many ideas." Instead, I'm going to say, "I enjoy inspirational surplus."

Hope you have a bit of inspirational surplus in your day, too.

Holding Back the Years

I Googled myself the other day (hey, now, I was fully-dressed) and discovered a piece of myself I had completely forgotten: my LiveJournal blog. I went through the entries, from 2002 to 2005, and was amazed at how damned optimistic I was then. I also listened to a lot of music, because the sountrack from 'Chicago' was featured heavily for a couple of months. Deb Ng says that 'Online is Forever,' and it's very true, but this time I was thankful. I was always looking forward to something back then, and it nearly feels like reading someone else's words. How did I become so sarcastic, cynical and old in just a few years? Maybe it's too much life experience, or too few movie soundtracks in my life. In any case, it points out to me that this new digital generation won't be looking through yearbooks and photo albums in the years ahead, but old blogs and social media sites. It's only a matter of time before someone starts up a business searching and archiving all your online moments, condensing your life into one convenient DVD. When that business pops up, give this jaded ol' broad a cut of the profits, will ya?

Biting the hand that hungers you

I saw a paying blog opportunity at Freelance Writing Jobs this week; apparently, a well-known health magazine is looking for bloggers on the topic, and I wondered, does all my failure count as experience?

I have been on diet after diet in my adult life. The Atkins diet (which worked for a while, but made me really cranky), the diet where you eat mini-meals throughout the day, and, most recently, the South Beach diet, which allowed me to lose a little water weight, but also made me snap on day 6 of phase one. While I haven’t tried the Paleo diet (eating like hunter/gatherers), I do have a male friend on it. The main problem with diets in general is this: I’m so obsessed with what I can and can’t have, so I’m thinking about food constantly. “Can I have carrots? Can I have sprouts? Do I have to eat celery with tuna on it? What happens if I eat a Big Mac and fries? I don’t want a tiny square of dark chocolate, I don’t like dark chocolate, I don’t even care for any chocolate that much. I want a Twinkie!” And so on.

With all these diet plans and books, I was doomed to fail. With the South Beach diet, I was eating stuff I don’t like, plus I believe that sugarless gum should never be listed on a meal plan. That’s silly. With Atkins, the emphasis is on protein, which is good for my blood sugar, but I naturally prefer a less meaty existence. I’ll eat steak maybe once a year, turkey’s okay, can I have my Boca burger or tofu stir-fry now please?

What I have finally learned, after years of starving myself then pigging out again, is to listen to my own body. If left to my own devices, I eat fairly simply, and I’ve finally learned portion control. I could use more veggies, but who couldn’t, really? I love to walk, and will start walking more when the weather cools down. I also learned a trick years ago about treats: I don’t buy boxes of donuts or other goodies; if I want something decadent, I’ll buy it single-serving size at the market, indulge, then go on, remembering to not do that too often.

I feel like a hardened veteran of the food wars, not likely to turn my head over the latest fad. Eat less, sure, but eat foods you like, and move around more.

Hmmm. Maybe I will apply, after all.

Three freelancing myths

I see a lot of newbies swish in and out of the writing forums, asking the same questions over and over, then getting frustrated when their concerns aren’t immediately met with soft, encouraging words and a handful of easy-to-score, high-paying markets thrust into their palm. Some are willing to listen to the voice of experience, others, not so much. These three myths are a common theme among new freelancers, and are harder to extinguish than the urban legend of receiving free beer through e-mail forwards.

It’s fast money. Oops, excuse me, I just laughed so hard that milk came out my nose. In the big picture, freelancing may seem fast compared to the evolution of dinosaurs into chickens, but it won’t be faster than the due date of your electric bill. Sorry. It can take months between query, assignment, rewrite, acceptance, invoice, payment and publication. Need a speedy turnaround? Find some local clients who need press releases, newsletters and other writing products. In my experience, the process goes faster when you’re working with a local business. Sometimes I would get paid the same day I submitted my invoice; in other instances, it took a couple of weeks.

All you need is an idea and a keyboard. In theory, yes. But you also need information. A big chunk of freelancing is research, so get started now. Locate a copy of Writer’s Market and read the articles up front. There’s a lot of valuable info in there, from how to write a query letter to determining what you should charge. Also, check out writing sites like Absolute Write, which are worth their weight in cyber-gold. AW’s freelancing forum has a collection of stickies at the top of the page representing lifetimes of experience.

Big markets are easy to crack. I once had a client who asked me, “If you send this press release to Reader’s Digest, what issue will it be in?” It’s tough to crack the top markets—that’s why they are the top markets. Family Circle, Woman’s Day, Good Housekeeping, Cosmopolitan, Vogue, Parade, Smithsonian etc., are staffed by very busy, very talented people. It takes a lot of time and effort to get their attention, and many writers spend years doing the rejection-query waltz with editors.

Again, think global, write local. Start out with regional pubs, get some clips, and climb the first few rungs of the ladder. We’ve all heard about the exceptions; people who claim, “On my first day, I wrote an article, sent it to Reader’s Digest, and they bought it!” These people suffer mysterious aches and pains throughout life, because the rest of us stick pins in their voodoo-doll likenesses. Most freelancers work very hard for each new level of accomplishment. It’s not a walk in the park, but if you do your job right, you could touch a few hearts and change a few lives with your words; if you’re very lucky and dedicated, you could even make a living at it.

Quirk work

I’ve been tagged with a meme by Jen from Creatif; the subject is quirky behavior, so naturally it took me a week to narrow the field to six unspectacular personal quirks. The next six victims are listed at the bottom, so be sure to check them out as well, so you can feel better about your own weirdness.

1. Quark quirk: I love astronomy, adore star-gazing, and watch the NASA channel whenever possible. But I cannot get the hang of recognizing constellations. The entire night sky could be flipping me the bird, for all I know.

2. Quirk-a-licious: For me, the best meals and snacks have both soft and crunchy textures. One of my favorite snacks is dipping a banana into fake bacon bits, bite by bite. Mmmm, sweet and soy bacon-y.

3. Plurk quirk: Social networking on sites like MySpace and Facebook is not my cup of digital tea, but I’ve just joined Plurk, and I really like it. It’s like the ADD-afflicted love child of chatrooms and forums. I also like the imaginary verbs that rule the Plurkdom; ‘I’m Plurking now, and I just friended you.’

4. Sssshhhh-quiet quirk: I have weird reading habits. Over the past holiday weekend, I read the May/June issue of Columbia Journalism Review, Betty & Veronica Digest #185 (oh, that Archie!), the latest issue of Mental Floss, and I started reading two books: Doctor Who: Ten Little Aliens by Stephen Cole and The Man Who Made Lists: Love, Death, Madness and the Creation of Roget’s Thesaurus by Joshua Kendall.

5. Quirk rock: I hate ear buds. Although I do own a small knock-off MP3 player, I don’t use ear buds with it. Many years ago, I worked at a chicken-processing plant, and was required to wear ear plugs every day, which gives you an uncomfortable feeling of someone walking behind you constantly with their fingers in your ears. Give me those old-school, big-ass Princess Leia stereo headphones any day. Even better, just ditch the headphones and turn up the music until the windows rattle.

6. Kirk quirk: Sorry, Picard just talks too much. I like my starship captains in action with their shirts torn, their muscles ripped, and a smart-ass quip whipped out at the perfect time.

And now, the next six quirkmasters. I tag Melanie at What Am I Doing In Mexico? (ooh, hot Mexican quirks!) ; Donna at Fantastical Imagination (just imagine the quirk possibilities, plus her blog has a new home, and everyone should drop by); Rosemerry at Blue Cherrie (I'd love to hear about quirky dishes or recipes!); Erika at Musings from the Mitten (she always comes up with cool stuff); Skyraven at Skyravensays and Dawn at Anything that Pays (both ladies have great blogs!) If anyone else wants to join in on the meme, consider yourself tagged, and let me know so I can read it!

Isolation holiday

Some authors dream of squirreling themselves away at a writers colony, engulfed in peace and quiet so they can finish their Amazing Epic Work. Others take the advice of magazines and try to carve out mini-retreats by unplugging phone lines and hiding in the closet with a laptop and a water bottle. That’s just not my style; it feels too much like a deadline. I prefer an isolation holiday, a summer vacation for ideas.

If anyone has ever watched Brent Butt in the Canadian comedy ‘Corner Gas,’ then you know about the true ‘staycation,’ not the one touted by the media as the answer to a downer summer economy. In one episode, Brent packs a cooler, takes a lawn chair across the road, and spends his vacation imagining he’s going to all kinds of exotic lands. He even mails real postcards, a nice touch for a tropical escape that’s all in his head.

His getaway is similar to what I do every summer: when work slacks off, as it does in June and July, I usually take a week or two and mentally get away from everyone and everything. I stock up on books, music and cool treats and just float off in my own little world. I don’t write unless I really, really want to, but I keep a notebook nearby for ideas. Of course, I still have to do the necessary things, like laundry and cooking dinner and paying bills, but I get back to my staycation as soon as possible, bobbing along in a wonderful, stress-free frame of mind. I think of it as walking zen meditation with a groovy 1970s soundtrack. And I take time to enjoy, without guilt, a skill I excelled in when I was much younger: daydreaming.

Each year, the isolation holiday pays off. Last year, I had ideas for three novels sketched out, now works-in-progress. So far this year, I’m working on a short story, after the plot grew from seedling to bouncy ripe fruit in just a couple of days. My break from reality is always my most creative time, with no deadlines, no pressure, no inner critic, just the pure enjoyment of the written word and the endless possibilities of a loosed imagination.

Superheroes and supercells

It’s a saying we hear a lot in the Ozarks: “If you don’t like the weather, wait fifteen minutes.” That time can safely be cut in half during the spring and summer months, when tornadoes crank up like mad mosquitoes, biting down on selected towns throughout the region. For the last few weeks, we’ve had storm predictions just about every other day, so the hubby and I took our chances and headed out to the nearest Cineplex, about an hour away. We don’t go out to the movies much anymore, but ‘Iron Man’ was too much of a temptation, and who can beat $4 matinee prices?

Since the movie wasn’t being shown at our usual fave theater in northwest Arkansas, we went south to the nearest college town to see it, a decision we would appreciate later in the day. It started raining as we headed into the theater, and we could even hear the downpour in the cocooned environment of Cine-pod 14, one of many screening rooms that now form the modern movie multi-plex. I was soon distracted from the weather by a series of too-loud car commercials, goofy reminders to turn off your phone, gag your baby and otherwise keep quiet, and bad trailers for movies I wouldn’t even rent from Netflix. (Other than Indy 4, which looks promising.) By the time the opening scenes of the featured flick started up, I was so grateful that I would have loved it even if Robert Downey, Jr. just walked around encased in Reynolds Wrap, saving kittens from trees. But the movie was amazing, and it flowed so well. This was the first movie in years that I didn’t feel the urge to look down at my watch, the acting was wonderful, Downey was perfect, and the special effects were seamless.

After we popped out of our movie pod, we noticed that the sun was shining and the rain had moved on. I was relaxed and stress-free after the movie, so we kicked around town a little, perusing bookstores, office supply stores, and other fetish outlets known to writers. As we left the last one, though, the sky had turned dark again. The radio announcers were throwing around fun phrases like ‘tornado warning’ and ‘supercell,’ the usual confidence-building forecasts of spring. We decided to take the southern route home, since the really bad stuff was happening north of us, and away we went. As we sped homeward, the sky became increasingly moody, and the radio announcers were discussing funnel clouds spotted on the ground, just a few miles from our usual fave theater. There, storm sirens were piercing the air, and a school roof was being peeled away. We were just in a bad thunderstorm, hoping to get home before everything hit. As we listened to the ongoing news stream, I kept my eyes locked on a singular patch of blue sky in the storm clouds, a patch that seemed to ride with us. For some silly reason, it made me feel better.

Due to road construction, we ended up too far south, out of the storms, and realized they had time to pass over. For the next twenty minutes or so, we laughed at ourselves, getting lost on roads we knew from childhood, singing along with the radio, and dispelling our own weather-related stress. When we were approximately ten miles from home, another tornado warning was issued, this time for our area. Cop cars zipped past us, looking for funnel clouds. We realized, too late, that we were bolting headlong into a huge green wall of tornado weather. It was raining so hard, I don’t know how my hubby could see the road, but he drove brilliantly. I did notice that he kept looking off to the left, but I was already nervous and watching for flying cows. Finally, we discovered the other side of the storm and drove home. During that last mile, he told me why he had been glancing to the side. He spotted a funnel cloud coming down from the sky, keeping pace with us for a while, but there was no place we could have stopped to get off the road.

I told him he was right to not share that info with me at the time, as it would have been difficult for him to drive with me perched on his head like a cartoon cat.

We arrived home, safe and sound, but I don’t plan on leaving this little valley for a week.

Poetry as Freelance Inspiration

“Deadlines and commitments….what to leave in, what to leave out…”

Bob Seger, Against the Wind

I’m wrapping up National Poetry Month with some tips on how poetry can not only relieve stress, but also inspire one of the hardest-working writerly types: the freelancer. A freelance writer’s day is filled with deadlines, marketing, queries, article ideas, research, and perhaps a little writing squeezed in between. A lot of freelancers I know make their living by service pieces, articles or web content that has a specific goal. While we can write a standard piece in a lively way or admire a well-turned phrase, there isn’t a wide amount of wiggle room in most of what we do. Since I started in poetry and grew into freelance writing, I’ve developed a few tricks to keep the creative side fresh and improve my overall work.

1. Headline haiku. I’ve been working for hours, I’m on a tight deadline, and my frazzled brain has completely lost the main thread of a project. I want to step away from my computer for a few minutes, but I don’t want to lose my train of thought. So I go outside, or sit by the window and watch the birds swoop down and snatch up kibble from the dog dish; while I’m away from the work, my mind takes all the info that’s trying to shoulder through a thin door, and lines it up, haiku-style.

Historic, urban

Iowa fills nation’s plate;

American charm.

As I’ve just proved, the haiku doesn’t have to be good, it just helps organize the thoughts. For my own use, charts, lists and bullet points aren’t nearly as effective as this poetic tack.

2. Take a project further. Several years ago, I was hired by a local non-profit to visit the local rest home and interview a few people about their lives. It was an amazing day, filled with stories of loss, love and wisdom. After I wrote up the individual profiles, I still couldn’t get a few of those open, friendly folks and their stories out of my mind, so I wrote a poem about each of them. The one that still sticks with me was about a man who couldn’t remember his own son’s name or where he was, but recounted his experiences in depth about homesteading in Alaska, including one eventful day when bears smelled breakfast cooking and broke the cabin door down while he and his wife hid upstairs. He remembered that he had won an award once for his work in teaching drama, and began pulling out all these newspaper clips from his life. The poems I wrote from that day were worth more to me than the check I received, and I started interviewing other elderly neighbors and relatives, distilling their stories to one life—or even one moment—caught in a single poem.

3. Outdoor spot poetry. If you’re looking for the perfect activity on an autumn artist date, try this: pack a few colored markers in your pocket and head out to a local park. As you relax and feel your creativity twanging back into shape, take out a marker and scribble a quick poem on a leaf or a bit of tree bark, then let the wind whisk it away. (Yes, you should use water-based markers, but I’m not the pen police.) The feeling of watching your words lifting up with the breeze and becoming part of nature is liberating. Plus, you’ll occasionally get someone shuffling through autumn leaves and discovering your poem. I always hope it’s a pleasant surprise, but either way, it’s still a great method to boost your energy levels and relieve that deadline stress.

Teeming Tags: TMI Day!

Jen at Creatif tagged me with a meme several days ago, and Amy at Mind Over Mullis got me the other day, so I'm teeming with tags, and tag-teaming to move along the memes! It's TMI Day here at plaidearthworm, but I hope at least I'm weird enough to be entertaining.

Seven random or interesting facts:

I’m a state-certified hospitality instructor. In fact, I took the extra course and can teach other people how to be hospitality instructors. If you had a tourism business and rude and/or clueless employees, I’m the one you called after five customers stormed out because the desk clerk couldn’t interrupt her hourly phone conversation with her boyfriend long enough to check people into their rooms. Yeah, I have a lot of material saved up for the novel.

I am a Southern girl. Do not stand between me and strawberry shortcake, homemade biscuits and gravy, or fried bologna sandwiches with flat cheese. You have been warned.

Qapla! I’m a Klingon. I used to dress in full leather regalia, bumpyhead and all, then go to conventions or march in parades. (In the pic, I'm on the left of our club's Klingon Bug of Prey.) Our group even adopted a section of highway for a couple of years. There’s no greater freedom for a shy person than to stride into a Burger King in full makeup and costume, then order a Whopper with a side of gagh.

As the wife of a magician, I know how most of your favorite illusions are done. And I’m not telling. Neener, neener.

AmyDoodle confessed that her secret crush was Captain Jack Sparrow. Mine is Captain Jack Harkness from Torchwood. Ah, John Barrowman in all his hunky, alien-busting glory, sporting a trenchcoat, a swagger, and a piercing gaze that makes you forget your own name; that’s why I wear a name tag at home on Saturday nights, about 8 p.m.

I’ve never been on a vacation. The closest I’ve been is in high school, when I went on a school trip to New Orleans, and once my hubby and I spent about a day and a half in St. Louis. I grew up very, very poor, and understood that family vacations were for rich people, not folks like us. Now, it’s a combination of no spare funds, having too many animals to take care of, and not being able to get away from work. Rather funny when I realize that most of my writing income comes from business travel articles.

When it comes to video games , I’m happy in the last couple of decades. Don’t give me Guitar Hero or Gears of War; but if you have a copy of Leather Goddesses of Phobos or Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, let me know. Text-based adventures like those, or sly games like Al Lowe’s Leisure Suit Larry: Love for Sail are my choice every time.

And as a TMI bonus:

1) If you could live for a month in one world or time period from a novel you’ve read, which would you choose?

Discworld. No doubt about it.

2) If you could be one character from a comic book or fiction series, who would it be?

Hmmm, tough choice, because I’d love to spend a month as Nanny Ogg, but in a comic book world, I could have gravity-defying ta-tas like Witchblade. Ooh, better, a member of FemForce. They had all the moves, without the heavy lifting of defeating criminals constantly.

3) Where (in the real world) is your dream vacation spot?

Cleveland. Yes, I said it. Never been there, but I’ve researched it so much for articles this year, I think I’ve fallen for Ohio. Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, tons of cool museums, great food, Corner Alley. Add a side trip to Toledo so I can see a Mud Hen game, and I’m a happy girl.

4) Name a celebrity or TV personality whom you would like to have lunch with.

Ew, really? Most of them are so full of themselves, and I don’t suffer ego cases well; I once sprained my forehead from excessive eye-rolling. But it could be interesting to have lunch with Craig Ferguson; he’s funny, smart, and I have a few questions about his writing style.

If you're still reading after all that, congrats. You get a coveted TMI Meme Survivor Award. And now, I'd like to tag Rebecca at Writer's Roundabout, Rick at Rickwrite, Dawn at Anything That Pays, and Karen at Write Now. If you've been tagged, feel free to pick either meme you wish. Taggee's choice!

Bwah-hah-hahahahaha! I'm free of the memes!

Poetry for Fun and Profit

Hey kids! Would you like to earn dozens, even hundreds, of dollars per year? How about achieving fame and prestige with your 8^th grade English teacher? It can all be yours with the amazing universe of poetry.

While poetry won’t score you the Golden ATM Code of your dreams, it can provide a nice little side income, especially during those inevitable times in a writer’s life when both the cupboard and the wallet are empty. Personally, writing poetry for profit kept me in touch with the Muse until I could quit the day job and jump into freelance writing full time. Below are a few of the ‘markets’ that I relied on during my professional poet phase.

Family events. I once worked with a lady who gave each of her sons’ brides a beautiful keepsake doll as a wedding present, and wanted a unique poem for each occasion. She would tell me essentially what she wanted to say to her new daughters-in-law, and I wrote a poem to go with each doll. She was a great customer, and I occasionally had lunch money until she married off all her boys. While weddings were a great gig, you can also do this for baby showers, graduations, anniversaries and other noteworthy moments in family life. Sometimes you’re a ghostwriter, or, more correctly, ghostpoet, but other times you can sign your name and become part of a treasured family heirloom.

Holidays. Ever been broke and wrote poems for your family members as Christmas or birthday gifts? Yeah, me too. (If you said no, don’t worry. With rising gas prices and the economy, poetry may be your go-to strategy this December.) While you may not charge immediate family for custom poems, you can charge other people’s families without guilt. While word-of-mouth is often your best advertising, try a small ad in the local newspaper for various holiday seasons, like Christmas or Valentine’s Day. If you’re a quick poet, advertise just a week beforehand, so desperate shoppers (guys who forgot) will jump on the chance to have a personalized poem in time for the big day.

Festivals and public events. I first read about this idea in Natalie Goldberg’s Writing Down the Bones, but it’s something I’ve never actually tried, because I’m not good with crowds, performance art, or thinking on my feet. But if you feel ready for the challenge, get yourself a booth at the next fair or festival, and offer on-the-spot poems. It’s a novelty, just like taking home a caricature, except with more feeling, unless, of course, you’re writing a poem about the person fishing, driving a sports car, or playing soccer. At one time, I had planned to try this, and figured that you could use ‘templates,’ or basic poems you had written previously, and fill in the essential info in the moment. If anyone is brave enough to go for it, let me know how it works out.

Granted, writing poetry to order isn't for everyone; your customers usually like their poems to rhyme, and follow a basic 'roses are red' form. If your artistic notions cringe at the thought of such pedestrian material, then this really isn't for you. Plus, there is a business aspect to think about, from setting rates to poem length and presentation. I never made more than the IRS-allowed hobby amount, but I had great fun, and met some interesting people. Poetry for profit won't get you published in magazines, but it is excellent practice, and you get a chance to make folks happy, one line at a time.

Heigh-ho, White-out, away!

I've always dreamed of becoming a vigilante, correcting wrongs and making things right. I would call myself the Masked Editor, and would attack public signs everywhere, stripping away misplaced apostrophes and telling the motel owners up the road that, no, there are not two 'i's in Jacuzzi. I've even created a novel character that fulfills my dream, making the world a better place to read.

Now I discover that someone has actually stepped up and pulled on the thong of truthiness: the Typo Eradication Advancement League is currently cruising the nation, fixing bad grammar and spelling on signs throughout the country, and saving countless writers and English teachers from daily brain aneurysms. The league of four team members post their successes--and failures--on their blog, and the founding member, Jeff Deck, was featured recently on NPR.

While the windmills may be too many to conquer, I'm glad to see a few wily Quixotes out there, living the dream and ticking off business owners across this great land.