Review: My Lady's Choosing

If you’ve ever read a romance novel and suddenly screamed “Why would she DO that?” you need My Lady’s Choosing by Kitty Curran and Larissa Zageris.  This interactive Regency romance is a wonderful Valentine to the genre, paired with a wicked wink and a throaty chuckle. You are the main character, a penniless lady’s companion to the cantankerous old Lady Craven, and you decide which major decision to make throughout the book in true ‘choose your adventure’ style. 

 Along the way you meet several potential paramours, including the smart, sarcastic Sir Benedict Granville, the mad, bad Lord Garraway Craven, the poor but unbelievably well-built Captain Angus MacTaggart, and the adventurous Lady Evangeline Youngblood. The drama starts, as all good Regency books do, at the ball, and from there you can launch yourself in a multitude of directions. Do you follow hunky war veteran MacTaggart to help the children, or match wits with Sir Benedict? Don't worry, you can do almost all the men in the book, looping your steamy adventures into one wild experience. Of course, you can’t forget Lady Evangeline, either, if you take the right path through Egypt.  The variety of outcomes is truly impressive, including several Happily Ever Afters where you’re the main character, and a few where you’re the sidekick with a boring but sweet life. You can explore gothic or adventure timelines with vampires, werewolves, ghosts and macho desert ruffians or run away with the bad boys. You can even end up unattached with a successful career if you like. And then there’s lovely, awkward Nigel. Hot damn, Nigel!

As you may guess, there are sex scenes here. Some are simple, others are amazing, and many of them made me laugh because of terms like moonlight bouncing off your “womanly orbs” or “being able to make love as tender as it is violent while balancing on one leg and using a bust of John Donne for support.” There’s also a whole paragraph-long sex scene with postal puns, but you should find that one for yourself.  The sex scenes are done with over-the-top descriptive but not vulgar language, and if you’ve read a lot of romances (especially older ones) then these in-jokes are for you.

This is a joyful blast of a book you can read over and over again, never ending up at the same place twice unless you choose to do so. It’s the perfect remedy for any of those maddening books you throw against the wall.

My Lady's Choosing: An Interactive Romance Novel will be available from Quirk Books on April 3.

A free ARC was provided to this reviewer.

Literary Masters Write Complaint Letters

Let’s face it: life can be irritating, even if you’re deep, thoughtful and just finished writing a masterpiece in spite of your downstairs neighbor’s stereo.  In this golden age of complaining, what would classic authors tackle next after “The End?”

Jane Austen:

“Facebook, I have not the pleasure of understanding you. There is no sense or sensibility to my newsfeed. How can I match my friends to suitable hook-ups when they keep appearing and disappearing on my Wall? Also, someone named Darcy keeps poking me. “

Herman Melville:

“Call me pissed. Some days ago, although it feels like years, I emptied the little money in my purse to your representative in the assurance I would have cable TV. I am growing grim about the mouth because it’s nearly time for Shark Week and I have no cable TV! I would have more luck launching a TV antenna toward a whale than actually seeing one of your technicians pull up the driveway.”

 Dorothy Parker:

@GenericSubShop Your subs are aptly named; I wouldn’t eat one again but I wouldn’t mind it going down.

 Ayn Rand:

“Who is Draconian Airlines? My recent flight was way too generous in terms of space. Why, the person next to me had nearly six square inches to himself and still managed to complain. You can’t possibly be making a profit on this, you should consider squeezing the seats together so more can fit on the plane, and quit offering such luxuries as food or entertainment. If I may be constructively critical, however, I would request you not fly during the twilight hours. I hate the twilight.”

 Edgar Allan Poe:

“To the cur who lives beneath me: turn down your stereo, especially in the evening hours. The bass pounds my living quarters so loudly, it’s as if I harbor a giant, beating heart under the floorboards every night. Do this, and I will instruct my raven to stop stealing your mail, although I must say he now has a fondness for your Victoria’s Secret catalogues.

 Nathaniel Hawthorne:

“Dear Contractor: I must insist you return to fix this abode immediately! Houses should have seven gables, not sixteen. Currently my residence looks like a gathering of tall men in amusing hats, not the serious and sober place it should be. Knock off some of these gables or I shall make you wear a large, red letter “A,” arseface.”

 Washington Irving:

“Your inattentive employee mistakenly presented me with decaf coffee this morning, making this a very sleepy hollow indeed! When I ride my horse through your drive-thru, I expect to receive a fully caffeinated beverage. Why, I’d lose my head without my morning java.”

 Agatha Christie:

“Attention, postmaster: Where did my package go? It is a mystery. I ordered three items to be delivered, and then there were none. Orient yourself to the Express service!”

 John Steinbeck:

“I am highly disappointed with your wine, which I paired with a roguish dish of flat tortillas. The merlot was not robust or powerful! These are not the grapes of wrath, they were grapes that were only mildly inconvenienced.”

Blog Tour Stop: Hillary Rodham Clinton Presidential Playset

Hillary and Bill show the ghost of Jackie O around Arkansas' haunted Crescent Hotel. Even ghosts need a holiday break! The Hillary Rodham Clinton Presidential Playset is available now from #Quirk Books, and it comes with backgrounds, more characters and lots of fun!

Shanking and Other Book Sale Rules

Library and community book sales are practically sacred holidays for book nerds, although they can look more like a geeked-out Black Friday.  I’ve been through dozens of sales over the years, and I think there should be some ground rules:

1. No chatting with long lost friends in front of the shelves. Standing between me and a row of books while talking about your ferret’s colon troubles will get you shanked. Usually I’m not packing anything sharp, but I am tempted to beat you down with my tote bags while I politely say “Excuse me” and reach past your gabbing head.
2. No humming while browsing. At best, I don’t need to hear your personal soundtrack. At worst, you come off looking and sounding like a serial killer. It makes me want to look over your shoulder at the books you’re perusing in case the authorities need a heads-up, and I have my own book lust to fulfill. Your creepiness is slowing me down, dude.
3. If you’re only buying books to resell, you should be required to read every single one of them before you slap them on eBay or your store shelf. I understand wanting to make a buck, but you deprive people of wonderful, affordable finds by filling boxes with first editions or hogging a shelf while you look up resale prices on your phone. If you’re only there to flip $1 books into a profit and you have 50 or more stacked up at the counter, at least find out what’s between the covers first. If you rush past me to grab a book I’m reaching for, you owe me a book report. Or I get to smack you around with the tote bags.
4. No farting or belching in the book sale room. There’s usually far too many book nerds crammed into a tiny space, so have some common courtesy, and don’t sneeze or cough on the books, either.  If you’re going to explode in some gross way, go over by the box of free religious pamphlets and dietary booklets from the 1960s. That’s usually clear territory.
5. Find a great book? Wonderful! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T STAND IN FRONT OF THE STACKS AND READ IT.  Either step out of the way or do like the rest of us; shove it in your bag and move on. It’s like being in shark-infested waters, keep moving or you’re going down.
6. Learn to scan titles. If you watch experienced book sale shoppers, their eyes move back and forth like the red vision sensors of vintage Cylons from Battlestar Galactica. It’s a practiced skill, but one that will serve you well, especially when you spot a 1908 edition of Hawthorne’s “Twice-told Tales.” (Score!)

Sound a little harsh? Maybe, but you've never survived a book sale with a gang of competitive book club seniors or rogue librarians. Follow these rules and you'll live to read another day.

Book Review: How to Make Your Cat an Internet Celebrity

Fed up with your day job and ready to let your pet support you? Check out the latest from Quirk Books, HOW TO MAKE YOUR CAT AN INTERNET CELEBRITY by Patricia Carlin. This book is funny, entertaining and frighteningly subversive. Occasionally while reading, I’d say to myself, “Yeah, I could do that.” It’s a tip of the hat to Carlin, who makes this not only funny, but close enough to a Weird Success for Dummies book to sound totally plausible.

The Internet has conditioned us to take in information with cat pictures, and Carlin has taken advantage of that with lots of adorable kitty pictures (by apparent cat whisperer Dustin Fenstermacher) and fake profiles liberally sprinkled throughout the book. It covers everything from getting the best performance from your cat to what to do when your feline becomes a diva and wants to fire you. By the end, I was mentally ticking off my cat’s assets to see if she was Internet material. Uno the Inappropriate Cat already has a title (one of the recommended branding tips in the book) although filming her constantly is more effort than I can muster. But when Carlin suggested where to buy kitty props and costumes, I mumbled “That’s brilliant!” I suspect I’m smack in the middle of her target humor demographic or dangerously close to letting my cat host a pawdcast.

HOW TO MAKE YOUR CAT AN INTERNET CELEBRITY is a fun read, especially if you love cats, the Internet and don't have a 401K for your retirement. If this whole writing thing doesn’t pan out, I’ll probably end up buying a good camera and some tiny funny hats. Uno, show me your best side! Um, Uno, that's a little close. Can you back up...wait...oh, forget it.

Book review: 100 Ghosts by Doogie Horner

The key to great humor is surprise, and 100 GHOSTS: A GALLERY OF HARMLESS HAUNTS is a fun little hardback that satisfies with plenty of clever visuals. While today’s movies and TV shows are jam-packed with enough frights to keep you changing your shorts for a month, this book opens with an introduction to some not-so-scary ghosts. If they go ‘bump’ in the night, it’s probably because they stubbed a ghostly toe. Each long-gone soul receives a graphic and title, from the expected moniker of a classic haunt to the whimsical ghost who just can’t give up performance art. 

I chuckled often while flipping through the book, a rare occurrence for me when it comes to humor. As a humor writer, I’m used to dissecting comedy and studying it, but 100 GHOSTS allowed me to just sit back and enjoy the show. I still can’t decide on my favorites. I relate to Shy Ghost, but my geeky side adores the Fantastic Four Ghosts, R2D2 Ghost and Giant Robot Ghost. In all honesty, though, I’m cursed with The Bad Chinese Food You Ate Before Bed Ghost. 

I love this book, and I can see it being perfect for kids who are afraid of ghosts or what’s under their bed; they could make up stories about each ghost and use the book to defeat their fears. Heck, that's probably how I'll use it myself from now on. 

It would also make a fun gift for anyone interested in the paranormal. It’s a quick read, so if you’re stuck in the van during a ghost hunt, take this with you. Hopefully you won’t spot Up In Your Grill Ghost when you look outside.

100 GHOSTS: A GALLERY OF HARMLESS HAUNTS is written by Doogie Horner (yes, I want to say Howser, too, I bet he gets that a lot) and published by Quirk Books.The book will be released on September 10. Pre-order it now, and spend some time perusing Horner's comedy at his website.

Quickie Guide to the South

Good thing: I've been extremely busy on some writing projects lately. Bad thing: I haven't updated my blog in a while. So here's a quickie in between deadlines!

Four Things You Should Know About the South

1. Mimosa is a tree, not a drink.

2. Thongs go on your feet, not up your butt.

3. If someone looks at you and says, "Bless your heart," you should immediately review your manners and/or life choices.

4. There is no problem so great it can't be solved by duct tape, WD-40, Vicks VapoRub, pie or kisses. In fact, all those items are essential for an excellent honeymoon!

An Army of Ermas Day: Salute to the General

Stacey, welcome to your holiday! Happy An Army of Ermas Day!

Today we’re celebrating our editor and general in charge of the weirdness, Stacey Graham. She’s the brains and brawn behind the Ermas website, a mostly thankless job. Today we remedy that.

An Army of Ermas has meant something to each and every one of us. Seventeen months is a long time in web life, and Stacey has worked hard to get our names out there and make the site a popular stop for readers. She did all this while having tons of her own work to do. (Does digitally stalking Daniel Craig qualify as work? It should.)

So, what did An Army of Ermas do for me? It toughened me up, soldier! My writing became sharper after watching others work, more creative by learning to write to a theme, and tighter by self-editing until the wee hours so I wouldn’t embarrass myself in public. It also reawakened my ticklish muse who loves to laugh.

My fellow Ermas make me snort tea on a daily basis, and I’ve seen a few shy ones blossom into something wonderful. We’re a very diverse group who comes together in one place to make folks chuckle. It’s all because one talented, crazy granola-making, ghost-chasing, Chuck Norris-loving lady decided to do something fun. Stacey is a fantastic editor: she’s the ninja master of Carrot-and-Stick Fu. She’s kind, patient and quick with a joke or a guiding hand when needed. Herding this crowd is like filing snakes in a Rolodex, but she does it with style.

Thanks, Stacey, for being awesome. General? Nah. Hail to the king, baby.

The Practical Kitchen

Recently the "Real Simple" website offered up a slideshow about new uses for things in your kitchen. Most were very clever, but still required a certain competency level of the cook. I’ve created my own list to help the culinary-challenged, and mine is more practical because it includes zombie defense.

1. Use a wok as a chest protector when you’re naked and frying bacon. If you’re particularly busty, use two and a bungee cord.

2. Have a crème brulee torch? I don’t know what you’re doing here, but hey, I don’t judge. Torches are great in up-close zombie combat. Attach a couple of those long grill forks to the front for extra poking power.

3. Cookie cutters can be flattened and sharpened into shuriken. You never know when ninjas will attack.

4. When you’ve overfilled the cake pan and a monstrous devil’s food demon is about to explode into the kitchen, wedge a few wooden spoons under between the handle and the side of the oven. This gives you a few seconds to escape Death by Chocolate.

5. Use a pastry brush and some food coloring to gently paint away any evidence that you’ve burned dinner. Hey, who wants more purple pot roast?

6. Take aluminum foil and make it into a hat. This will keep the aliens from stealing your prize pineapple-pepperoni soup recipe. It also distracts anyone coming into the kitchen looking for snacks. Oooh, shiny.

7. A spatula and strips of dish towel make an excellent bow. Fray the ends of string cheese sticks for arrows. Use the bread you baked but no one was brave enough to eat as foundation for a fort. Order in some Chinese food and defend your dumplings against greedy family members.

What are your completely practical uses for kitchen stuff? Share in the comments!