Reader-to-Author: Success Behind the Table

Reading a book is different than watching a movie. A book is personal, where an author’s ideas, words and concepts soak straight into the reader’s brain. That’s why people feel so connected to their favorite authors, but a bad experience at a book fair, conference or event can make the reader feel like a five-year-old told that Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy were in a six-car pileup on the interstate. Bad experiences with bizarre readers can also leave authors in therapy. I’ve been to a lot of these events over the years, mostly in front of the table or podium but occasionally behind it as well. Because everyone has a short attention span on the Net, this will be in two parts.

Part 1: Behind the Table

1. If You’re Not A People Person, Find One. Whoever is behind your book table should be outgoing, friendly and able to talk your work up to potential buyers. If that’s you, then congratulations! Readers love talking directly with the author. If you can’t work your own table or you’re too shy, find someone who’s energetic and will say “Hello” to anyone walking up, not bury his or her head in a book or listen to an iPod and completely ignore browsers. Never leave a table unattended; not only could books disappear, but you never know how many sales were missed.

2. Show Up. If you are speaking at an event and have a table, show up for a signing. Naturally, you’ll get more lining up after your session, so try to land in the chair before a session as well. Your die-hard fans can get some one-on-one time with you before everyone hears your fantastic speech, and the line afterward will flow better.

3. Be Polite. Don’t knock the hotel, trash talk the town, or make fun of the organizers and other speakers. You’re a guest and you might even get paid for this, whether in speaking fees or book sales. Who knows, you just may want to come back sometime.

4. These Are People, Not Dollar Signs. You may see dozens, hundreds, maybe even thousands of people in a day. While they all may blend together to your mind, you stand out to them. Smile, listen if they have a comment and ask if they want the book signed. I will tell you from personal experience that if you take my money, sign a book, thrust it at me and disappear halfway across the room without saying a word before I can even look up, I will never spend my hard-earned cash on your work again. And the book I just bought goes into the library donation box. If you need to take a break, tell people and let them know when you’ll be back. Yes, there are some wingnuts you just need to get away from, but the majority of folks you meet are just there because they like you and want to make that reader/author connection complete.

Next Post: Author-to-Reader: Hold the Crazy In, Please

Image: Bill Longshaw / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Three Random Writing Tips

I'm celebrating my tenth year as a freelance writer, and recently I've been thumbing through old clips, queries and other stuff that stacks up in those file folders over time. This made me think: what have I learned in my years of freelancing that I could pass on to new writers? These completely random tips are simple things that paid for themselves, and I hope they can help you as well.

The SRSASE (Self-Returning, Self-Addressed Stamped Envelope)

This tip was passed on to me when I attended my very first writing conference as a fresh-faced newbie. Although hard copy queries and submissions sent through snail mail are becoming a thing of the past, some markets still insist on the postal method. When you send a SASE, use your own name and address as the return address. If you’ve misjudged the number of stamps required, you’ll still get that response back from an editor, even if it returns with postage due. Under my return address, I’ll add a code (like Re:Grit or Re:SEP for Saturday Evening Post) so I know which publication is answering my query before I open it.

Clip Worksheet

Keep a list of your published clips and update it frequently. Your list should include the title of the clip, the publication it appeared in and publication date. Even better, create an Excel spreadsheet for your clips, add in genre (short story, essay, article, interview, etc.) and publication rating (1 for national, 2 for trade, 3 for regional, 4 for local, etc.) so you can sort your list any way you need. This isn’t just for your own record-keeping; publications and other writing gigs will occasionally request this information, and if you keep it up to date, you won’t waste hours pulling it together at the last minute.

Professional Is As Professional Does

Some publications accept submissions from their readers as well as from freelance writers. With most of these pubs, submitting as a reader pays far less. When you send a query or submission, be professional. Don’t go on about how many years you’ve read the magazine, or how you would love to see your name in print. Research the magazine so you know which editor should receive your query, prepare your letter in standard business format and present yourself as a professional freelancer. Use standard query language (here is a great primer on queries if you don’t know the basics) and mention your previous writing clips if you have them. I can tell you from experience this means the difference between a $50 check and a $400 check. Acting in a professional manner always pays off in freelance writing.

Five Ways to Celebrate National Poetry Month

Forget Easter; the poet's biggest holiday, National Poetry Month, is almost here! Soon, the poetry bunny will leave colored metaphors and chocolate stanzas for all the little poets to enjoy. Some will even receive a fuzzy thesaurus, although these delicate creatures must be treated with care and respected. While you're munching on a candy haiku, read through the list below so you'll have other things to do in celebration.

1. Start a community poem on Twitter or Facebook. Ask your friends to chip in, line by line. When it’s done, post it on your blog. Don't even apologize for the inevitable foul language and double entendres.

2. Spot three references to poetry as you go through your day. Example: you saw that Levi’s commercial with a quote from Walt Whitman’s “America,” spotted a poster of Maya Angelou at the library, and read a dirty limerick from the bathroom wall. Yes, it counts, but those “For a good time” scribbles don’t unless there’s more than two lines.

3. Buy a book of poetry. Hey, poets have to eat something besides broken dreams and irony. Read it if you feel adventurous.

4. Find your favorite poem from childhood and recite it aloud to your kids tonight. If they complain, tell them that people used to read many works longer than 140 characters.

5. Volunteer to conduct a mini-workshop for an elementary school class and teach them how to write a haiku. This will be easier if you show up in a martial arts outfit and play the song "Kung-Fu Fighting" in the background. Bonus points if you bring a live panda that actually knows kung-fu and can recite Basho.

Never heard of National Poetry Month? Get thee to Poets.org. And stay tuned, there will be more ways to celebrate NPM next week!


Image by Francesco Marino, courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Living in the Country

I've been thinking about self-sufficiency and country living this winter. No insult to the wonderful Mr. Foxworthy, but there is a difference between redneck behavior and country behavior. It may be slight, but it's there: the absence of "Yee-hah!" shouted while doing any of these actions. So, if you happen to let loose that universal Redneck Mating Call, send a dollar to Mr. Foxworthy if you wish. And no, these didn't come from a meme or old email making the rounds: these are my own observations. If you send them on a journey of inboxes, please remember to keep my name attached; it'll be the only payment I receive.

You Know You’re Country If….

You’ve ever fried your clothes dry on the woodstove early in the morning.

Your lunch box contains a can of Vienna Sausage, a little pack of crackers, and a package of Ding Dongs.

SPAM is a special occasion meat, because you’re tired of venison.

You finally have to tell Granny she’s too old for canning because her last batch of peaches now look like radioactive lava lamps on the cellar shelf.

You have to explain what persimmons, gooseberries and blackberries are to visiting relatives, and why these items belong in pies.

You would rather listen to a radio show (yes, they still have them, whippersnappers) than watch reality TV.

You can sniff the wind and know that rain is coming.

Your dryer sheet is a brisk breeze through the pines before it gets to the clothesline.

Your driveway gets rougher in late summer because it’s filled with the green hulls of black walnuts.

The trees in your yard provide more food than most people’s gardens, and you’re willing to share the bounty with neighbors.

In return, your winter woodpile may mysteriously double during your weekly trip to town.

You’ve already walked a mile in another man’s shoes, because most of your footwear comes from the Salvation Army store.

Your toolbox contains at least five things no company makes any more.

When you need medicine, you head out to the woods instead of the pharmacy, so you can make Grandpa’s herbal remedies. No, not that. Hippies.

Tweets and Twitter are literally for the birds, and FaceBook is what happens when Granny catches you with the underwear section of the Sears catalog; see also UpsideTheHeadBook, AcrossTheButtBook, and AnywhereSheCanHitBook. MySpace is what you no longer have if she finds your collection of National Geographics with those tribal pictures.

Oprah Ends Show, Millions of Would-be Authors Must Find New Pipedream

When Oprah Winfrey announced the end of her show this week, the fallout extended beyond the millions of inconsolable viewers who will soon be jonesing for their next ‘A-ha moment’ fix. Thousands of writers who spent their time staring out the window and dreaming about touting their wares on the Oprah show now have to find a new dream.

“It’s such a blow to my irrational expectations of immediate success,” said Arpdoodle Whipcan, author of several works-in-progress. “Without Oprah, what can I hang my hopes of instant literary stardom on? My talent? Please.”

Looralou Fishbucket also shares Whipcan’s pain. She’s the author of the unauthorized sequel to “1984” by George Orwell. Fishbucket’s epic “1999” mixes Orwell’s shades of inescapable doom with Prince’s soulful party beats, all set to a “Big Funky Sister is Watching You” theme. Or it would, rather, if she actually finished the manuscript.

“Dreaming about my book scoring a spot on Oprah’s Book Club is what made me sit down at the computer every day,” she said. “What kept me there was constant updating on Twitter and my Farmville wealth on Facebook. Without that dream, what am I supposed to do now? Actually write?”

Other authors are picking up the pieces and moving on. Some scribes have reportedly tried dreaming about an appearance on “The View,” but these dreams ultimately prove unsatisfactory, with less than stellar results for their book on the imaginary New York Times bestseller list.

“I’ve tried daydreaming about pitching my book on “The Daily Show” or “The Colbert Report,” said Dickson Dungbeetle, would-be author of “I Know I Am, But What Are You?”

“The problem is, I’m not snarky or intelligent enough to verbally spar with Stewart or Colbert, even in my mind,” he said. “I keep getting nailed by Colbert, and my book never receives the fake bump.”

While would-be authors still have many months to keep procrastinating with dreams of Oprah-sized success, many have accepted their fate and are actively searching for new pipedreams, such as being discovered by Stephen King at an elementary school book fair. A brave few have even taken the drastic step of working once again on their manuscripts, with surprising results.

“Once I started writing again, I realized this book was crap,” said Dungbeetle. “Maybe I’ll take a course on creative writing or try out for some VH1 reality shows to fill the time until the next Oprah phenomenon comes along.”

Quiz: How 'Green' Are You As A Writer?

Overall, the writing lifestyle has its environmental perks; many writers work from home offices, sighing with relief at avoiding carpools, long commutes, and rising gas prices, but we also stockpile enough books and magazines to start our own libraries. Are you a truly green writer, worthy of the recycled trash laurel, or do you walk around with Godzilla’s carbon footprints? Find out if your thriftiness and eco-friendly ways truly mesh into a lifestyle so earth-positive, the penguins will sing glorious songs about you in decades to come with this quiz.

When your printer runs out of ink, what do you do?
a. Get out the latex gloves and CSI syringe kit; it’s time to refill!
b. I turn in my ink cartridges for recycling and buy reconditioned cartridges.
c. Pop a new cartridge in and throw the old one in the trash; recycling that little square won’t save the earth.
d. Since ink is more expensive than printers, I just buy a new printer and use the old one as a yard decoration.

How do you prefer to do interviews?
a. By phone, and I type notes while using a digital voice recorder and rechargeable batteries.
b. By e-mail, although I have to watch my spam filter and make sure nothing gets trapped with the massive manhood ads.
c. Face to face, especially if I can ride my “Jimmy Olson cub reporter” super-scooter.
d. I’ll hop a plane to get the ultimate interview, even if it’s just the county fair recipe winner two cities over; I need the frequent flyer miles.

When you’re ready to get a new computer, what do you do with the old one?
a. I find a charity or group that refurbishes computers and gives them to the needy.
b. I pay the extra fee to have the components recycled, even if it still works.
c. I give it to my hacker nephew so he can continue his plans for online world domination while stealing my identity.
d. I keep my computer until it’s a useless doorstop, then pile it with the others out back to use in building my fort.

If you have to go out into the big, bad world to do an interview, which mode of transportation do you use?
a. Subway or bus all the way, baby!
b. I drive a vegetable-oil-powered vehicle, and knock everyone off their diets with the smell of French fries as I pass by.
c. I live in a rural area where there’s no public transportation, so I drive a Ford Escort with a gun rack.
d. I drive a Hummer with a spotted owl hanging from the rear view mirror, and I’m selling off body parts on eBay to buy the gas.

How do you back up files and manuscripts?
a. I archive files to an external hard drive and back up works-in-progress on a USB flash drive; I hardly use any paper.
b. I save most files on a CD, and use recycled paper to print out drafts that need proofreading.
c. I print out everything, from the forwarded joke my mother sent me to market guidelines, but I do turn the paper over and use it again.
d. What do you mean, back up files?

When you need new office supplies, do you:
a. Save some gas, check online at Freecycle and see if someone has a chair to give away.
b. Hit the yard sales! There’s got to be a five-dollar filing cabinet in good shape out there somewhere.
c. Ask my friend’s cousin Vito if anything has fallen off a truck lately.
d. Call up Staples and see if they’ll deliver a single ream of printer paper to my door.

Plagiarism: reduce, reuse, or recycle?
a. Reduce! Generating new thoughts leaves no carbon footprint, and strengthens the brain.
b. Reuse! Why think up new stuff? It may be illegal and bad for the karma, but it’s good for the earth.
c. Recycle! I can re-write that article and sell it online. All I lose is a little chunk of my soul and my self-respect.
d. This is a silly question. I’m not answering silly questions.

How freely do you give away business cards?
a. I write down a person’s email address and send them a virtual business card.
b. I have one business card with a tiny bungee cord attached; when the person walks away with it, the card snaps back into my pocket.
c. I’ll give one out if an editor, agent or Stephen King asks for it.
d. I go to writers’ conferences, find a balcony, and shower the crowd with them like Mardi Gras beads.

How big is your book and magazine stockpile?
a. Pretty small; I find what I need to know through e-books, websites and blogs.
b. Small to medium; I look up markets online, read back issues at the library, and only buy something if my article is in it.
c. Medium to large; I still like having something in my hands to read, but I give out old publications to nursing homes, doctors’ offices, and as treats for Halloween.
d. Huge! My picture hangs in a place of honor in most advertisers’ offices, and the subscription clerk has me on speed dial.

Has the eco-friendly movement changed your writing habits?
a. Yes, I only submit work to online magazines or publications printed on recycled paper.
b. Yes, I’m writing queries for all magazines about living the green life.
c. Yeah, I’ll probably churn out a quiz just like this one. How hard could it be?
d. No; if global warming happens and half the earth is covered in water, my chances for getting published just shot up into the stratosphere.

Scoring: A-5 points; B-4 points; C-3 points; D-2 points

Your score:
40-50: Congratulations, Al Gore is bicycling over to your house now to give you a compostable Certificate of Accomplishment and your lovely Green Pen award, made out of corn.

30-39: Pretty good; you’re cutting down on resources, and saving some money. You might need a few more deductions come tax time, though.

20-29: Not bad, but not great, either. Kick it up a notch and slap some solar panels on that laptop computer, or the polar bears will be bunking with you.

2-19: Watch out when crossing the street; Ed Begley, Jr. has his electric car all charged up, and is gunning for you. When he strikes, you won’t even get an interview afterward.

Book Review: The End of Overeating

It should come as no surprise that Americans overeat, but learning all the reasons behind those size 24 pants may startle you. In 'The End of Overeating:Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite' by David A. Kessler, M.D., you'll go on a calorie-packed ride through the haunted house of food and fault.

The first forty pages are heavy with animal study evidence, where scientists stuffed rats with Froot Loops, Cheetos, and fat-laced sugar water, then did things like shock them to see if the newly-rotund rodents would continue to seek out snacks. (I guarantee this is an unrealistic data model, because if they tried that on me, I’d be eating a Twinkie with one hand, and holding up a geek by his throat up against the wall with my other hand, electrodes blasting his balls every few minutes while I ask him “Do you feel like frying fatties now? ZAP! How about now? ZAP!”) I started feeling bad for the literal furballs, and wondered if anyone called Jenny CritterCraig for them.

Eventually Dr. Kessler does add in more human anecdotes, and explores the Harry Potter-worthy arcane art of food science (It’s a pile of chemicals! Poof! It tastes like chocolate!) along with breaking down the menu items of places like Chili’s and Outback with the ‘How Many Times Has It Been Fried?’ game. I learned a lot, and I’ll never touch a Chicken Tender again, not even if it asks for it while dressed in sexy Ranch sauce.

The children’s consumption studies he cites are truly frightening; every parent should be required to read those pages before stepping into a fast food restaurant. I don’t even have kids, but my ovaries cinched up just learning about how food habits have changed across the generations. Of course, when I was a kid, if someone had a nugget, it was because they’d struck gold.

At the end of the book is a section called ‘Food Rehab,’ and I agree with most of his suggestions. Through years of trial and error, I’ve stumbled into many of them on my own, and found success. While ‘eat what you enjoy’ sounds like a no-brainer, once you step into the funhouse-mirror world of dieting and food cravings, especially with trendy diets pushing butter and meat while forbidding carrots, common sense goes out the window. I do disagree with the idea of flipping the switch, as it were, and creating negative emotions with food to break the conditioned hyper-eater’s reward system. Eating without attaching emotion to the experience is what worked for me, and I’m seventy-five pounds lighter. So there, nyah.

‘The End of Overeating’ is an eye-opening read; even if you don’t have hips that could knock out turnstiles and bruise toddlers, peruse this book to see what happens to your food before it goes into your pie-hole. You’ll be surprised, and maybe a little healthier.