Book Review: How to Survive A Garden Gnome Attack

Chuck Sambuchino invites you to a garden party....of Death!

His first humor release, HOW TO SURVIVE A GARDEN GNOME ATTACK from Ten Speed Press, is a twisted, fun read aimed at protecting your ass from those so-called innocent statues lurking on your lawn. Sambuchino creates an intricate little world of danger hidden in everyday life, a world so detailed that I wonder if he has some hidden Dungeon Master experience in his past.

The 106 pages are broken down into sections: Assess, Protect, Defend and Apply. Thwarting the tiny demons involves a multitude of actions, from using commercial fertilizer on your lawn to keep it green and make gnomes crazy to removing all sharp implements from your kitchen, especially “those small pointy little corncob holders.”

Baseball bats, flamethrowers, chemical warfare, moats and even a big @#$% dog come into play as weapons against gnomes, along with advice from gnome defense experts. Find a tiny crop circle in your garden? That means a gnome home invasion could happen at any time.

In this secret, evil gnome-ridden world, paranoia becomes your protector and friend: did you really leave the wheelbarrow out of the garage? Why is the dog acting weird? Advice on keeping a logbook of suspicious activity also adds a nice Cold War-style touch of fear. HOW TO SURVIVE A GARDEN GNOME ATTACK is a sharp parody of today’s polarized “killers and bedbugs behind every corner” culture. It’s also a slight tweak on modern in-your-face horror literature of zombies and other creepy things that go bump in the night.

Now we just have to figure out how to kill a vampire with a tiny corn cob holder.

I Love Rejections

(Above: my favorite clip ever on making the most from rejection.)

Yes, I love rejections. Think I’m being sarcastic? Not at all. While we all want to see that magical ‘Yes,’ rejections are an essential part of writing. I’ve received many rejections in my career as a freelance writer. I’ll be honest: the first few I cried over, the next fifty or so required margaritas and chocolate. After that, I learned to study rejections and even take away some encouragement, especially with personal rejections including a quick note from the editors. Did the editor have a specific idea or suggestions in mind? Ask me to submit again? Receiving something besides a form rejection became a chance to improve my work.

When I began my adventure into the world of book publishing this year, I discovered rejections are almost considered door prizes. Querying an agent has become ridiculously easy thanks to e-mail, and most agents take e-queries. Some only take e-queries. But the huge amount of queries stuffing inboxes (I imagine the inboxes swelling, cartoon-style, until you hear a ‘Pop!’ and words explode out of the computer like confetti) means that many agents will only contact you if they’re interested in your project. I completely understand why this is done, but for the hopeful writer, it can suck. A polite ‘No thanks’ can give a writer some closure and let you move on.

This is why I love rejections even more these days. It’s a notch in the belt, a bit of experience earned. Form rejections are fine; personal rejections with comments or suggestions are wonderful. Some agents are so good at form rejections, you’ll think it’s a personal note written just for you. To learn the difference, I highly recommend signing up with QueryTracker.net, where other seekers often leave examples of form rejections in the comments section so you can compare notes.

As for me, the search continues, but these days my lip doesn’t even quiver when a rejection shows up in my inbox. I know someone took the time to reply to my query, and I’m one more step closer to that ‘Yes.’

TV Icons Who Boosted Reading

While television receives a well-deserved beatdown for blasting away the literate skills of Americans, there are a few incidents when the piñata ducks the stick. The boob tube may not transform into the brain tube anytime soon (not until a handful of adults can actually conquer ‘Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?’ but thanks to some unforgettable TV personalities, there were a few brief moments when America was all on the same page.

King of the Wild Frontier
Eat your heart out, Harry Potter. In 1954, the kids went crazy for a different kind of hero: Davy Crockett. A patriotic little Disney-produced mini-series playing up the mythical status of Crockett hit the waves, causing a year-long Crockettmania that swept the country and cleaned out parents’ pocketbooks. The five-part series starring Hollywood favorite Fess Parker was televised three times over the course of 1954-55, and the reruns pulled stronger ratings than the first showing. For the very first time, Disney’s merchandising reached Hanna Montana-like proportions, and books were an important part of the pre-VCR, whats-the-Internet hysteria. Some reports claim that fourteen million books were sold that year, from re-released biographies of Crockett meant for adults to dime store comic books. One little picture book of Crockett’s television adventures garnered a million pre-orders on its own; not bad for a country with 150 million people and six million television sets in 1950. After the third showing of the series, the fad died out, and people turned their attention back to Ed Sullivan and ‘I Love Lucy,’ storing up those books for countless yard sales.

Aaaaaayyyyyyyyy.
While the country was infatuated with the late 1700s in 1954, when the seventies came along, America was in a nostalgic mood over the 1950s. The comedy ‘Happy Days,’ and its spinoff, ‘Laverne & Shirley,’ topped the ratings in 1977 and made Henry Winkler’s character, The Fonz, into a television legend. Not only could he light up the jukebox with a slap, he could fill libraries across the country with a sentence. According to Winkler himself in various interviews, after the Fonz received a library card in a September episode that year, registrations for library cards jumped 500 percent. There’s only one catch: neither he nor the American Library Association can prove it. While the actor maintains that his character had a tremendous influence on a reading surge, the ALA admits that new card registration statistics weren’t uniformly collected as data. The ALA even lists the incident in a webpage FAQ, and says while the data isn’t there to back up Winkler’s claim, they can’t disprove it, either. Given the massive influence the Fonz had back in the day, it’s certainly within the realm of possibility. Hey, would you doubt a man whose jacket rests in the Smithsonian?

You buy a book! And you buy a book!
Any discussion on the impact of television on books wouldn’t be complete without the big O herself. Talk shows have featured authors and their books for decades, but in 1996, Oprah Winfrey took it to the next level by starting Oprah’s Book Club, a regular feature on her self-titled show. Each book featured in the club received the host’s personal thumbs-up and more than sixty books in thirteen years were devoured by a cultish, two-million-strong readership. Since each selection also received a re-printing with the official Oprah logo as well, authors saw their books zoom up the bestseller lists. Many became millionaires just from book club sales, and eight books were turned into movies. Although there’s no conclusive data on how many books Oprah is responsible for selling, the total would likely be in the millions. The club hit some bumpy patches, such as Jonathan Franzen’s revolt or James Frey’s slight, ahem, foray into exaggeration. But there’s no doubt that when Winfrey’s show wraps up in 2011, her literary claim to fame will be hard to top.

Photo credit: Flickr:bobster855

Take This Job and Fluff It

Within one week, the country discovered two incredible stories of people leaving their jobs with flair. Before they could even tell us that they don't like to talk about their flair, both were busted.

The story of Jenny quitting her skeezy boss via a white board and email was funny, imaginative and inspiring. It was also too good to be true, since the whole episode was quickly revealed to be a prank. (Although I still hope that out there, somewhere, a few downtrodden assistants took notes.)

So we were left with Steven Slater, a JetBlue flight attendant who apparently reached a personal tipping point in the delicate balance of job vs. crap and exited his employment in true blue, American, Johnny-Paycheck-Take-This-Job-and-Shove-It style by baring his soul, grabbing some suds and sliding into the sunset. Now 'apparently' may be the operative word in that entire folk-hero scenario, since other passengers on the plane claimed that no argument happened, Slater just snapped on his own and decided to start his weekend early.

In a tense economy, catching crap is now built into a lot of job descriptions. If you want to eat, then you keep a drawer full of fake smiles, vodka and Prozac. But both tales captured our collective imagination because they made us laugh, nod and be glad that no one was shot. Too bad both may turn out to be as genuine as the E! Channel reality show lineup.

There is one person, however, that may take the prize: an unnamed Lufthansa flight attendant. She didn't quit her job; in fact, she had fun with it. She started a pillow fight, lightened the passengers' mood and even received applause at the end. (Go ahead, read the Consumerist story and watch the clip.)

Maybe shoving that job isn't the answer when it all it needs is a good fluffing.

Photo credit: Flickr, via f_mafra

Fact-o-Vision and Hemlock Mojitos

Socrates said an unexamined life isn’t worth living, but I believe too much self-examination can lead to a nasty rash, plus a crick in your neck from all that belly-button staring. But, since Amy at Mind Over Mullis has so graciously bestowed this Versatile Blogger award on me and hightailed it for the nearest exit, I’ll share some randomness and make Socrates regret those words as much as that last hemlock mojito.

First, the ground rules (which would have been an awesome name for Newton’s garage band):Thank the blogger who passed this award on. Thanks, Amy!

List seven things about myself? Good grief, even I can’t take that much of me. How about four? Done.

Pass this award to five other bloggers.I choose Jen at Creatif, Marguerite at Marguerite Says, and Michele at Writing the Cyber Highway, because I'd love to see her post there again. If Amy gets a pass on counting, so do I. So there. Nyah.

Fact in the Crowd: I have one of those faces. If I’m not smiling, people think I’m mad. If I am smiling, they think I’m up to something. I also give off an assistant manager vibe: plop me down in any grocery or discount store, and strangers will wander up to me, asking about directions, specials, or the bathroom. On a bad day, I’ll send all three requests to the same spot.

Factoid Celluoid: I love cartoons. I’ve seen ‘The Incredibles’ more times than I can count, and I can quote from nearly any original Scooby-Doo episode. When I discovered that the artist who drew the new Darkwing Duck comic was on Twitter, I squeed out loud. My faves are a mix of new and old: Hong Kong Phooey, Spongebob, I.M. Weasel (oh, that deep Michael Dorn voice!), the Penguins of Madagascar and, of course, Scooby Doo.

The Fact-Word: There is a time and place for blue language, but I’m far more impressed when comedians exercise some brain cells instead. A dirty thought said in a clean way can be very funny, and the sly wordplay required is wonderful to watch; a ballet of double entendres never bores me. That’s why I still watch old ‘Match Game’ reruns.

Fact d’Art: Last week, I tripped over something in the living room while Ovation TV was on; I looked closer, and it was a little piece of twentysomething artistic soul that I thought had been cleared away years ago. After running it through my home CSI kit, I realized there is still a tiny part of that young me who read plays, dreamed of seeing the Louvre and thought seriously about attending the Kansas City Art Institute. Instead of crushing it under the heel of reality, I popped that little fragment into a terrarium, and read art appreciation books to it whenever I can.

Reader-to-Author: Success Behind the Table

Reading a book is different than watching a movie. A book is personal, where an author’s ideas, words and concepts soak straight into the reader’s brain. That’s why people feel so connected to their favorite authors, but a bad experience at a book fair, conference or event can make the reader feel like a five-year-old told that Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy were in a six-car pileup on the interstate. Bad experiences with bizarre readers can also leave authors in therapy. I’ve been to a lot of these events over the years, mostly in front of the table or podium but occasionally behind it as well. Because everyone has a short attention span on the Net, this will be in two parts.

Part 1: Behind the Table

1. If You’re Not A People Person, Find One. Whoever is behind your book table should be outgoing, friendly and able to talk your work up to potential buyers. If that’s you, then congratulations! Readers love talking directly with the author. If you can’t work your own table or you’re too shy, find someone who’s energetic and will say “Hello” to anyone walking up, not bury his or her head in a book or listen to an iPod and completely ignore browsers. Never leave a table unattended; not only could books disappear, but you never know how many sales were missed.

2. Show Up. If you are speaking at an event and have a table, show up for a signing. Naturally, you’ll get more lining up after your session, so try to land in the chair before a session as well. Your die-hard fans can get some one-on-one time with you before everyone hears your fantastic speech, and the line afterward will flow better.

3. Be Polite. Don’t knock the hotel, trash talk the town, or make fun of the organizers and other speakers. You’re a guest and you might even get paid for this, whether in speaking fees or book sales. Who knows, you just may want to come back sometime.

4. These Are People, Not Dollar Signs. You may see dozens, hundreds, maybe even thousands of people in a day. While they all may blend together to your mind, you stand out to them. Smile, listen if they have a comment and ask if they want the book signed. I will tell you from personal experience that if you take my money, sign a book, thrust it at me and disappear halfway across the room without saying a word before I can even look up, I will never spend my hard-earned cash on your work again. And the book I just bought goes into the library donation box. If you need to take a break, tell people and let them know when you’ll be back. Yes, there are some wingnuts you just need to get away from, but the majority of folks you meet are just there because they like you and want to make that reader/author connection complete.

Next Post: Author-to-Reader: Hold the Crazy In, Please

Image: Bill Longshaw / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Three Random Writing Tips

I'm celebrating my tenth year as a freelance writer, and recently I've been thumbing through old clips, queries and other stuff that stacks up in those file folders over time. This made me think: what have I learned in my years of freelancing that I could pass on to new writers? These completely random tips are simple things that paid for themselves, and I hope they can help you as well.

The SRSASE (Self-Returning, Self-Addressed Stamped Envelope)

This tip was passed on to me when I attended my very first writing conference as a fresh-faced newbie. Although hard copy queries and submissions sent through snail mail are becoming a thing of the past, some markets still insist on the postal method. When you send a SASE, use your own name and address as the return address. If you’ve misjudged the number of stamps required, you’ll still get that response back from an editor, even if it returns with postage due. Under my return address, I’ll add a code (like Re:Grit or Re:SEP for Saturday Evening Post) so I know which publication is answering my query before I open it.

Clip Worksheet

Keep a list of your published clips and update it frequently. Your list should include the title of the clip, the publication it appeared in and publication date. Even better, create an Excel spreadsheet for your clips, add in genre (short story, essay, article, interview, etc.) and publication rating (1 for national, 2 for trade, 3 for regional, 4 for local, etc.) so you can sort your list any way you need. This isn’t just for your own record-keeping; publications and other writing gigs will occasionally request this information, and if you keep it up to date, you won’t waste hours pulling it together at the last minute.

Professional Is As Professional Does

Some publications accept submissions from their readers as well as from freelance writers. With most of these pubs, submitting as a reader pays far less. When you send a query or submission, be professional. Don’t go on about how many years you’ve read the magazine, or how you would love to see your name in print. Research the magazine so you know which editor should receive your query, prepare your letter in standard business format and present yourself as a professional freelancer. Use standard query language (here is a great primer on queries if you don’t know the basics) and mention your previous writing clips if you have them. I can tell you from experience this means the difference between a $50 check and a $400 check. Acting in a professional manner always pays off in freelance writing.