#DollarReads Review: Farewell, Dorothy Parker

It’s rare to find a signed book for a dollar in a discount book bin, but even more so when that book turns out to be a great read. Author Ellen Meister had me at the title, and she continued her hold with a literary ride that was sweet, saucy and so much fun.

Violet Epps is a movie critic terrified of confrontation, so she’s saddled with a boyfriend she can’t dump, and may never get custody of the orphaned niece who needs a better life. The only place she feels confident is on the page, where her sarcasm reaches to the lofty heights of her hero, Dorothy Parker. When she and her boyfriend meet at the Algonquin Hotel and the manager presents the storied guest book for her signature, she receives a sharp-tongued, spine transplant in the form of Parker’s ghost. After a quick possession by Parker, she grabs the guest book and flees the scene once she tells off her worthless beau, and her life begins to veer far from the predictable, meek paths she usually follows.

Meister makes Violet a nicely rounded character with depth, showing how Violet’s present fears are rooted in her childhood relationship with her sister, Ivy. It turns out young Violet’s wicked wit was nipped in the bud by a sibling who had her own cruel ways of getting even, something Violet couldn’t heal from even when she and her sister grew close as adults. After the accident that takes her sister and brother-in-law’s lives, Violet tries to gain custody of her young niece Delaney, but her fear makes her have a meltdown at the custody hearing. Piled onto that is the new editor’s assistant at work who thinks she can re-write Violet’s columns without retribution. 

Good thing Violet has the ghost of Dorothy Parker now, and this is where Meister shines: she brings the daunting legend to full life, giving her great dialogue and showing that behind many sarcastic souls lie the tender wounds of childhood. Whenever the guest book is open, Parker is free to drink, smoke and throw shade at every oppressive corner of Violet’s life, sending her into new adventures with television appearances, blackmail opportunities, work smackdowns and even a hot tryst with her martial arts instructor. The entire plot moves as fast as Parker’s savage literary takedowns, and in the end, Violet learns how to stand up for herself and the ones she loves. She also helps Parker learn a thing or two, so the ghost can finally look straight into that bright light which beckons to her whenever she materializes. 

This book is smart, heartfelt and the perfect fantasy for any Dorothy Parker fan who always thinks of the perfect comeback after the argument is done.

Literary Masters Write Complaint Letters

Let’s face it: life can be irritating, even if you’re deep, thoughtful and just finished writing a masterpiece in spite of your downstairs neighbor’s stereo.  In this golden age of complaining, what would classic authors tackle next after “The End?”

Jane Austen:

“Facebook, I have not the pleasure of understanding you. There is no sense or sensibility to my newsfeed. How can I match my friends to suitable hook-ups when they keep appearing and disappearing on my Wall? Also, someone named Darcy keeps poking me. “

Herman Melville:

“Call me pissed. Some days ago, although it feels like years, I emptied the little money in my purse to your representative in the assurance I would have cable TV. I am growing grim about the mouth because it’s nearly time for Shark Week and I have no cable TV! I would have more luck launching a TV antenna toward a whale than actually seeing one of your technicians pull up the driveway.”

 Dorothy Parker:

@GenericSubShop Your subs are aptly named; I wouldn’t eat one again but I wouldn’t mind it going down.

 Ayn Rand:

“Who is Draconian Airlines? My recent flight was way too generous in terms of space. Why, the person next to me had nearly six square inches to himself and still managed to complain. You can’t possibly be making a profit on this, you should consider squeezing the seats together so more can fit on the plane, and quit offering such luxuries as food or entertainment. If I may be constructively critical, however, I would request you not fly during the twilight hours. I hate the twilight.”

 Edgar Allan Poe:

“To the cur who lives beneath me: turn down your stereo, especially in the evening hours. The bass pounds my living quarters so loudly, it’s as if I harbor a giant, beating heart under the floorboards every night. Do this, and I will instruct my raven to stop stealing your mail, although I must say he now has a fondness for your Victoria’s Secret catalogues.

 Nathaniel Hawthorne:

“Dear Contractor: I must insist you return to fix this abode immediately! Houses should have seven gables, not sixteen. Currently my residence looks like a gathering of tall men in amusing hats, not the serious and sober place it should be. Knock off some of these gables or I shall make you wear a large, red letter “A,” arseface.”

 Washington Irving:

“Your inattentive employee mistakenly presented me with decaf coffee this morning, making this a very sleepy hollow indeed! When I ride my horse through your drive-thru, I expect to receive a fully caffeinated beverage. Why, I’d lose my head without my morning java.”

 Agatha Christie:

“Attention, postmaster: Where did my package go? It is a mystery. I ordered three items to be delivered, and then there were none. Orient yourself to the Express service!”

 John Steinbeck:

“I am highly disappointed with your wine, which I paired with a roguish dish of flat tortillas. The merlot was not robust or powerful! These are not the grapes of wrath, they were grapes that were only mildly inconvenienced.”