Action Movie Girlfriends: Are You at Risk?

One of the greatest dangers to fictional women through the decades is the role of Action Movie Girlfriend. These innocent ladies are killed off willy-nilly just so their secretly-super guys can step up and wreak vengeance on evildoers.

Worried that your zero might turn out to be a hero and your days may be numbered? Take this quiz and find out!

1. My boyfriend/husband is…

a) A stoned pizza delivery guy who plays World of Warcraft all day.

b) Secretly trained by a deadly cult/martial arts school/bunch of gangsters/killer aliens but now he’s just trying to lead an ordinary life.

c) Chuck Norris.


2. I can defend myself by….

a) Getting committed to an asylum and doing enough pull-ups that I can cock a shotgun with one arm.

b) Throwing a few kung fu moves until I am overpowered by bad guys and/or knocked out a window.

c) Screaming.


3. Together, my guy and I have….

a) No hopes and dreams, just an asthmatic turtle named Frank.

b) Secret superhero identities and separate cans of whoop-ass.

c) An adorable tot who either has a target on his back or the ability to learn ninja moves from his daddy.


4. Lately my boyfriend has seen me….

a) In a giant cargo loader kicking an alien’s ass.

b) In a slow motion montage of happy moments laughing in the park.

c) In a picture frame that will be broken and strewn about later in the movie.


If you answered with all Bs, you are at risk. Step up the jujitsu lessons, practice at the gun range more often or just leave him for someone else. Any guy will do, as long as they don’t sparkle. (That opens up a whole new can of worms.)

If you answered all Cs, RUN! Don’t pack a bag, don’t scribble a message, just run! You are moments away from hearing bad guy theme music while you’re unpacking the groceries.

If you answered all As, you’re not in danger, but your boyfriend could be toast, because you’re the hero. Congratulations and condolences.




Photo by GonzaloMerat via Flickr

The Practical Kitchen

Recently the "Real Simple" website offered up a slideshow about new uses for things in your kitchen. Most were very clever, but still required a certain competency level of the cook. I’ve created my own list to help the culinary-challenged, and mine is more practical because it includes zombie defense.

1. Use a wok as a chest protector when you’re naked and frying bacon. If you’re particularly busty, use two and a bungee cord.

2. Have a crème brulee torch? I don’t know what you’re doing here, but hey, I don’t judge. Torches are great in up-close zombie combat. Attach a couple of those long grill forks to the front for extra poking power.

3. Cookie cutters can be flattened and sharpened into shuriken. You never know when ninjas will attack.

4. When you’ve overfilled the cake pan and a monstrous devil’s food demon is about to explode into the kitchen, wedge a few wooden spoons under between the handle and the side of the oven. This gives you a few seconds to escape Death by Chocolate.

5. Use a pastry brush and some food coloring to gently paint away any evidence that you’ve burned dinner. Hey, who wants more purple pot roast?

6. Take aluminum foil and make it into a hat. This will keep the aliens from stealing your prize pineapple-pepperoni soup recipe. It also distracts anyone coming into the kitchen looking for snacks. Oooh, shiny.

7. A spatula and strips of dish towel make an excellent bow. Fray the ends of string cheese sticks for arrows. Use the bread you baked but no one was brave enough to eat as foundation for a fort. Order in some Chinese food and defend your dumplings against greedy family members.

What are your completely practical uses for kitchen stuff? Share in the comments!