Monday, July 11, 2011

Action Movie Girlfriends: Are You at Risk?

One of the greatest dangers to fictional women through the decades is the role of Action Movie Girlfriend. These innocent ladies are killed off willy-nilly just so their secretly-super guys can step up and wreak vengeance on evildoers.

Worried that your zero might turn out to be a hero and your days may be numbered? Take this quiz and find out!

1. My boyfriend/husband is…

a) A stoned pizza delivery guy who plays World of Warcraft all day.

b) Secretly trained by a deadly cult/martial arts school/bunch of gangsters/killer aliens but now he’s just trying to lead an ordinary life.

c) Chuck Norris.

2. I can defend myself by….

a) Getting committed to an asylum and doing enough pull-ups that I can cock a shotgun with one arm.

b) Throwing a few kung fu moves until I am overpowered by bad guys and/or knocked out a window.

c) Screaming.

3. Together, my guy and I have….

a) No hopes and dreams, just an asthmatic turtle named Frank.

b) Secret superhero identities and separate cans of whoop-ass.

c) An adorable tot who either has a target on his back or the ability to learn ninja moves from his daddy.

4. Lately my boyfriend has seen me….

a) In a giant cargo loader kicking an alien’s ass.

b) In a slow motion montage of happy moments laughing in the park.

c) In a picture frame that will be broken and strewn about later in the movie.

If you answered with all Bs, you are at risk. Step up the jujitsu lessons, practice at the gun range more often or just leave him for someone else. Any guy will do, as long as they don’t sparkle. (That opens up a whole new can of worms.)

If you answered all Cs, RUN! Don’t pack a bag, don’t scribble a message, just run! You are moments away from hearing bad guy theme music while you’re unpacking the groceries.

If you answered all As, you’re not in danger, but your boyfriend could be toast, because you’re the hero. Congratulations and condolences.

Photo by GonzaloMerat via Flickr


June Kramin said...

LOL! Awesomesauce post :)

Amy Mullis said...

Love it!

Moo Monkey said...

Hah! I loved it!

Unknown said...

Thank you all! :)

Guy said...

This post is seven separate flavors of awesomesauce. Even the photo is perfect. (That man knows how to shoot a woman pretending to shoot a gun.)

I will be back here on your blog, Plaid Earthworm, to say insane things and start literary knife fights about how worthless Gertrude Stein is or whether we should (a) burn all of Ayn Rands paperbacks in the world's biggest BBQ or (b) save all that good paper for firestarter when the zombie apocalypse hits.