The Writing World of Beth Bartlett

You don't know the power of the dark side.

2012-01-17T21:40:00.001-08:00

First Friday AW Review: From Weakling to Warrior by Jennifer Greenleaf and The Pantry Cleaner by Mysti Reutlinger

2012-01-06T15:11:00.000-08:00

It’s a new year and a new beginning to AW First Fridays! Because it’s still resolution season, I’ve picked two nonfiction books to review: From Weakling to Warrior: A Bodybuilding Book by Jennifer Greenleaf, and The Pantry Cleaner: Chemical Free Cleaning by Mysti Reutlinger.

One focuses on fulfilling a dream for yourself and the other focuses on doing something healthy for your family.

I’ll admit it: I don’t know much about bodybuilding. But Greenleaf’s book is perfect for the novice bodybuilder, and includes checklists and instructions on nutrition, exercise, and maintenance. Much of the content is common sense, especially if you’ve been up and down the weight loss path like me. Eat the right things, cut out the junk, and remember above all else to warm up and stay flexible. I also learned that how warm you keep your house can affect your bodybuilding efforts, and proper form in your training is the key to everything. I was impressed at how the author underscores the importance of gathering all the information before making a decision to bodybuild, from the cost of supplements and trainers to how much time and organization will be involved in maintaining those impressive pecs. If you’re thinking about bodybuilding or know someone who wants to do it, get this book for them.

The Pantry Cleaner: Chemical Free Cleaning is an eye-opening book about the products you use every day, and how you get the same or better results with a few time-honored classics. Most cleaners have ingredients that not even a Harry Potter spell-caster could pronounce, and side effects including nausea, skin irritation and even impaired body organs. Reutlinger has included the Material Safety Data Sheets so you can see just how toxic some chemicals can be. Fortunately, the basic cleaning supply list is short and sweet, including ingredients you may already have, from olive oil to baking soda. I’ve used many of these ingredients and techniques myself, and they do work well. The diluted vinegar and newspaper approach for glass cleaning is effective, although I’ll add something so you can learn from my mistake: never do this to a car. Yeah. Not good.

I highly recommend The Pantry Cleaner for anyone committed to living a greener or less toxic life, and I hope that she’ll come out with a sequel soon.

Both books are available at Amazon.com in paperback and Kindle formats.

Three More Free Gifts for Writers

2011-12-18T14:30:00.000-08:00

Last year I received great feedback with my Free Gifts for Writers post, so I’m doing it again, with three different ideas.

Let’s face it, money is still tight for a lot of people, especially those whose job description includes the words “starving artist.” Before you grab the glue and spray-paint and turn a few blocks of ramen into bookends, try these suggestions. All of them are guaranteed to draw fewer bugs than glitter-soaked noodles.

Goalbook or Planner

No matter what the genre, writers live and die by the deadline. Make 2012 easier by creating a planner to keep your writer organized. (Hint: if you have kids, this is a great family activity.)

Dig up a 3-ring binder, a hole-punch and some card stock or construction paper for dividers. Print out a calendar for each month or go all the way and print out every week. (Microsoft Publisher will print calendars, and there are tons of free, personal-use calendars on the Net.) Also print out several blank pages with headings like “Goals”, “To-Do” and “Ideas”. Make sure each month has plenty of space to scribble notes, and separate each monthly section with the card stock. Include quotes from his or her favorite authors or other motivational sayings. Decorate accordingly. Just takes a couple of hours and some creativity to make your writer weep like a Barbara Walters interviewee.

E-books

I have a lot of friends who are e-book authors, so let me put this out there: if you can buy an e-book or two (many cost less than three bucks) then please do so. If that’s out of the budget, welcome to the world of free e-books. Project Gutenberg has always been my go-to for great, zero-cash reads because you can find so many irresistible and esoteric books besides the classics everyone claims they read in school. Feedbooks and Smashwords are also great resources, and I’ve found a few new fave authors through them.

Don’t have a smartphone, e-reader or tablet? No worries. You can download books in a variety of formats at Gutenberg and make a file folder on the computer for your giftee. Amazon, Kobo and B&N also offer freebies if you have their particular reader software. Remember, stay legit with your downloading, because good karma is the gift that keeps on giving.

Office Party

Working from home is wonderful, because the dress code runs from casual (Scooby Doo PJs) to extra summer casual (powdering your butt so you don’t stick to the chair). There is one thing writers miss out on, though, and that is the office party. Throw a tiny shindig by your writer’s desk. Bake some cookies, put up a few decorations. Let your writer talk all he or she wants about work: editors, publishers, magazines, etc., and don’t tune it out. Invite a couple of friends or family members over if you want, but it’s more fun when it’s intimate. Keeping it to yourselves also avoids those nasty “crazy people” rumors, too. You’ll be surprised how much it will perk up a writer’s spirits just to talk, laugh and have their own little holiday ritual.

Photo credit: Flickr.com/TMAB2003

The 99 percent in writing

2011-11-30T13:15:00.000-08:00

Relax, we’re not talking Occupy Wall Street here, but we are focusing on Occupy Desk Chair.

According to statistics I’ve pulled out from underneath my cat, 99 percent of people who attempt professional writing will fail. Why? Because it’s one thing to say, “Oh yes, I want to be a writer.” It’s another to apply your butt to the chair day in and day out, writing articles so you can keep the lights on while working on that amazing novel in your spare (ha!) time.

While you toil away at the keyboard, nursing carpal tunnel syndrome and perhaps a scotch and water, you often do so without the support of family and friends.

If you write for trade magazines, you hear: “Why aren’t your articles in Reader’s Digest?”

If you write for Reader’s Digest, you hear: “Why don’t you write books?”

If you write books, you hear: “Why do you write books no one’s ever heard of?”

This is what I’ve always considered “pointy-haired boss” thinking, because of the clueless employer in Dilbert who believes that if he doesn’t know how to do something, it must be easy. It’s an attitude that can seep into a writer’s brain and cause that writer to quit. Because writing and succeeding isn’t easy. It’s hard work.

That’s the difference. One percent of writers don’t give up. Sure, they may slurp NyQuil at ten in the morning and meet the FedEx guy at the door while wearing only a pencil in their hair. But they don’t quit. They pat the naysayer on the head, mutter “She means well,” then kill her off gruesomely in a short story that, if they are lucky, will be accepted by an anthology and will net enough cash to stock up the pantry with Ho-Hos and beef jerky for a few weeks.

Be part of that one percent. Don’t give up. Don’t quit when it gets difficult. With every rejection, you learn. With every project that flames out, you gain experience. With every acceptance, you shine. You’re not going to “make it” in writing, you’re just going to level up to bigger clients, bigger deadlines and bigger muse rebellions.

When you achieve the next level, help someone who hasn’t made it as far as you, because you never know when someone will return the favor. That is karma’s price of admission to the one percent club.

Are you ready to quit? Are you leveling up? Share in the comments!

Photo credit: Flickr.com/Michael Hirst

To A Tee

2011-11-27T13:42:00.000-08:00

I have so many pop culture addictions, I could open a Betty Ford Clinic for nerds. The latest has me in its geeky grasp because it combines obscure mashups, bargains and the phrase that makes me quiver: "limited edition." My wallet's downfall? Daily t-shirt sites.

These are sites which sell t-shirts displaying original art; the site features one shirt a day, and usually charges ten bucks with free shipping. The designs include general pop culture, gaming, sci-fi, horror, fantasy and other geeknip topics. Right now I'm limiting myself to four sites: TeeFury, Woot!, Ript Apparel and Shirt Punch.

TeeFury was the first one I found, and I've bought from them several times, because anyone who will sell me a Doctor Who/Scooby Doo mashup tee or a HHGTTG tee deserves my cash and my love. They don't have free shipping any longer, but they make up for it with a steady supply of Browncoat gear. Woot! is seriously fast with their shipping, and I love the art on the package. (One of these days I'm going to recycle a few of those envelopes into a shoulder bag.)

Since I live in a rural, low-geek-density area, no one usually gets the art on my t-shirts. Oddly enough, that just adds to the allure of them for me. I check each site daily, and the whole experience has taken on a casino feel: will there be a good shirt when I have spare money? Or will I only find the ultimately cool shirt when I'm flat broke? Either way, I'm still looking for my dream score: an irresistible Darkwing Duck tee. Someday, the terror that flaps in night will appear.

Book Review: Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children

2011-11-09T13:22:00.000-08:00

Remember all those crazy stories you believed when you were a kid? How would your life change if you found out they were true? Young Jacob finds out that and more in Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children, Ransom Riggs’ debut novel with Quirk Books.

After an early peek into his innocent childhood and his granddad’s stories, we next see Jacob when he’s an unlikable, privileged teen. His rebellion against his life and his parents soon takes a backseat to the murder of his grandfather; the wild stories his grandfather told him when Jacob was little, plus the old man’s cryptic last request, haunt the teen's mind as apparent reality and fantasy fight for control. Riggs knows the troubled teen psyche well, because Jacob’s feelings and thoughts in therapy are spot on, and the “real” world the author builds is so convincing, you’re ready to believe the fantastic when it comes along.

What would normally be a solid paranormal coming-of-age story gets a mighty goose from the book’s gimmick: several real (albeit re-touched or bizarrely posed) photographs from historic collections depicting the characters and situations Jacob encounters. The old pictures have the fantastic element of a 19^th century circus: creepy, unsettling and you can’t look away. A floating girl, twins painted like clowns and connected via a ribbon, a man covered in bees: they connect you visually to the story and add an extra layer of weirdness so you feel just as fascinated and befuddled as Jacob does during his long journey to learn the truth and discover his purpose in life.

I enjoyed this book a lot, and it got the Pratchett treatment from me, i.e., I stayed up until 2 a.m. reading it. I simply could not put it down until I reached the end. It’s a great story that touches on the desire to be special in all of us, something we get to live out through Jacob. I highly recommend it for folks who enjoy a nicely paced, spooky Twilight Zone-style tale. I’m sure this will be the first of many adventures with these characters, so I’ll start catching some catnaps now, if I can just stop imagining those little clown kids. Shudder.

Campaign for Real Humor

2011-11-04T13:47:00.000-07:00

I've been a member of several writing groups through the years, but there's only one I would take up arms for: the Ermas. Okay, Nerf arms. I really hate confrontation. Thanks to the brainstorm of our fearless leader, Stacey Graham, we're whipping up something special for 2012. The official word is because of the Presidential election. I'm thinking it's a back-up plan for survival in case the Mayans were right about 2012.

Anyhoo, here's the top brass:

"An Army of Ermas is gearing up for the upcoming United States presidential election and looking at the crop of candidates we have to choose from so far, we're going to need as much humor as we can get. Thus, the Campaign for Real Humor has begun.

In the next year, your favorite Ermas will be competing for your votes with their posts. It's up to you to vote by liking a post on facebook, linking on websites, leaving comments on their posts, RTing on Twitter and Stumbling your favorites. Who will emerge the victor? Your vote counts!

We'll be kissing babies, and stumping for votes at the upcoming Erma Bombeck Writing Workshop in April, 2012. Come out and say howdy! Most of us don't bite."

I think all the Ermas are hilarious, talented people and I'll be occasionally posting them throughout the year so you, my dear, lone reader, can easily find the best humor writing on the web!

The Geek and the Plaid

2011-10-27T13:09:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed that Squiggle isn't updated as often as it *snort* used to be. (Don't look at me like that.) There's a good reason: I post every single day at my new site, Pure Geek, which gives you a geeky holiday for every day of the year!

But don't fret, because I'll be back here in just a few days with a couple of brand new book reviews and the usual silliness. Could even be a giveaway in the works...just sayin....so stay tuned.

Carrot cake to carrot sticks

2011-09-24T15:05:00.000-07:00

My bathroom scale and I had a fight this morning. I put up a good defense, even insulted its mother, but in the end I knew it was right. Especially in the end, judging by my shadow. I’ve gained weight. Thanks to a few seasons of unbearable weather, the blessing of steady work and the occasional absence of automotive transportation, my original 100-lb weight loss is now more like a 60-lb loss.

But hey, that’s ok. I took it off once, I can do it again. I’ll also do it more sensibly, and not make really stupid decisions like last time. On my second go-round, I’ve learned a few things:

Good Lord, ignore the commercials. “Follow my simple plan of cookies/bars/shakes and you’ll lose weight!” Yeah, and how does that re-enforce healthy eating habits? Or help me deal with stress eating?

“I’m not this person anymore!” *tears up photo* Honey, lean over here so I can slap the taste out of your mouth. You’re the same person, you just weigh less. If you hate yourself when you’re fat, there’s a good chance you won’t love yourself when you’re skinny.

Don’t diet. This was a major breakthrough for me. Dieting forces you to obsess about food. If you only eat certain things five times a day, you’re always thinking about food. After a couple of weeks, I would dream about food. Just sidle up sideways to better eating by making healthier choices. Occasionally try carrot sticks instead of carrot cake. A few baked chips instead of a bag of regular Ruffles. Don’t think about it, just say “Hey, it’s no big deal. I’ll have a salad just for today.” Keep making changes until your eating plan would make Michelle Obama cry like Miss America.

Realize this is a long-term commitment. Say this out loud to yourself: “There are no easy fixes.” Because there are none. You can get lap band surgery, but if you don’t follow the eating plan, you’ll be right back where you started. You can cut calories, but if you cut too much, your body will kick into survival mode.

Sure, you may fall off the horse, or horse may just buck your big butt off occasionally. Don’t get discouraged. It takes time to slim down, learn better habits and love exercise. In this instant, gotta-have-it-now world, people are so obsessed with losing weight fast. It’s not good for your body, and you don’t get the unbelievable pleasure from every accomplishment along the way. Don’t cheat yourself and miss out on the journey.

See you there.

Photo credit: Flickr.com/puamelia

Adam Baldwin: Dream Saver

2011-09-13T12:20:00.000-07:00

My two worlds of perceived reality and dreamtime have always had a dysfunctional relationship. I’ve had frequent nightmares since I was very young. Notice that I didn’t say I suffered from them. By having nightmares I taught myself lucid dreaming so I could change the dream to be less scary. This is how I turned a vampire into Sonny Bono, which, on reflection, might have been a lateral move.

Sometimes, though, I’m stuck in the dream with only a minor ability to control it. This happens a lot when I’m stressed or especially sad. When my mind just can’t take another beatdown, it assigns a protector. For some reason, lately that protector has been Adam Baldwin. (Steady, ladies, he’s dressed. I know. I was disappointed too.)

He usually appears in some role with the secret agent earpiece and a sidearm, although the weaponry depends on how bad a day I’ve had. I’ve seen him in so many shows and movies as the strong, aggressive type (Chuck, Firefly, Independence Day) that my psyche has waved the wand and made him a dreamtime Patronus kicking the butt of assorted werewolves, supervillians and nameless fears. Kinda cool, really, and a sign of the times: years ago, my dreamtime avatar of protection was Magnum, P.I.

I believe dreams are very important to writers. I get lots of story ideas from my dreams, and writing them down lets me take the emotional temperature of my week. Getting the occasional guest star who kicks butt for me is just icing on the cake.

Do you remember your dreams? Do you use them in writing? Who’s been your most recent guest star?

Quickie Guide to the South

2011-09-03T20:28:00.000-07:00

Good thing: I've been extremely busy on some writing projects lately. Bad thing: I haven't updated my blog in a while. So here's a quickie in between deadlines!

Four Things You Should Know About the South

1. Mimosa is a tree, not a drink.

2. Thongs go on your feet, not up your butt.

3. If someone looks at you and says, "Bless your heart," you should immediately review your manners and/or life choices.

4. There is no problem so great it can't be solved by duct tape, WD-40, Vicks VapoRub, pie or kisses. In fact, all those items are essential for an excellent honeymoon!

An Army of Ermas Day: Salute to the General

2011-08-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

Stacey, welcome to your holiday! Happy An Army of Ermas Day!

Today we’re celebrating our editor and general in charge of the weirdness, Stacey Graham. She’s the brains and brawn behind the Ermas website, a mostly thankless job. Today we remedy that.

An Army of Ermas has meant something to each and every one of us. Seventeen months is a long time in web life, and Stacey has worked hard to get our names out there and make the site a popular stop for readers. She did all this while having tons of her own work to do. (Does digitally stalking Daniel Craig qualify as work? It should.)

So, what did An Army of Ermas do for me? It toughened me up, soldier! My writing became sharper after watching others work, more creative by learning to write to a theme, and tighter by self-editing until the wee hours so I wouldn’t embarrass myself in public. It also reawakened my ticklish muse who loves to laugh.

My fellow Ermas make me snort tea on a daily basis, and I’ve seen a few shy ones blossom into something wonderful. We’re a very diverse group who comes together in one place to make folks chuckle. It’s all because one talented, crazy granola-making, ghost-chasing, Chuck Norris-loving lady decided to do something fun. Stacey is a fantastic editor: she’s the ninja master of Carrot-and-Stick Fu. She’s kind, patient and quick with a joke or a guiding hand when needed. Herding this crowd is like filing snakes in a Rolodex, but she does it with style.

Thanks, Stacey, for being awesome. General? Nah. Hail to the king, baby.

Action Movie Girlfriends: Are You at Risk?

2011-07-11T12:52:00.000-07:00

One of the greatest dangers to fictional women through the decades is the role of Action Movie Girlfriend. These innocent ladies are killed off willy-nilly just so their secretly-super guys can step up and wreak vengeance on evildoers.

Worried that your zero might turn out to be a hero and your days may be numbered? Take this quiz and find out!

1. My boyfriend/husband is…

a) A stoned pizza delivery guy who plays World of Warcraft all day.

b) Secretly trained by a deadly cult/martial arts school/bunch of gangsters/killer aliens but now he’s just trying to lead an ordinary life.

c) Chuck Norris.

2. I can defend myself by….

a) Getting committed to an asylum and doing enough pull-ups that I can cock a shotgun with one arm.

b) Throwing a few kung fu moves until I am overpowered by bad guys and/or knocked out a window.

c) Screaming.

3. Together, my guy and I have….

a) No hopes and dreams, just an asthmatic turtle named Frank.

b) Secret superhero identities and separate cans of whoop-ass.

c) An adorable tot who either has a target on his back or the ability to learn ninja moves from his daddy.

4. Lately my boyfriend has seen me….

a) In a giant cargo loader kicking an alien’s ass.

b) In a slow motion montage of happy moments laughing in the park.

c) In a picture frame that will be broken and strewn about later in the movie.

If you answered with all Bs, you are at risk. Step up the jujitsu lessons, practice at the gun range more often or just leave him for someone else. Any guy will do, as long as they don’t sparkle. (That opens up a whole new can of worms.)

If you answered all Cs, RUN! Don’t pack a bag, don’t scribble a message, just run! You are moments away from hearing bad guy theme music while you’re unpacking the groceries.

If you answered all As, you’re not in danger, but your boyfriend could be toast, because you’re the hero. Congratulations and condolences.

Photo by GonzaloMerat via Flickr

First Friday AW Review: The First Ghost by Marguerite Butler

2011-07-09T14:55:00.000-07:00

Portia Mahaffey had a crummy job, no boyfriend and a tiny apartment. Still, she believed she had a good life until the ghosts showed up. Who knew adventures with the undead could get you fired, make you solve a murder and help you find not one but two hot guys?

THE FIRST GHOST by Marguerite Butler is a thoroughly enjoyable, fast-paced paranormal ride. When the reader first meets Portia, she’s unlikable and slightly pathetic, a Muggle in a family of clairvoyant women. She thinks her life is perfectly fine without the family ‘gift,’ but when she finally sees her first ghost, her universe is tumbled upside down with clingy spirits, a farty dog and a talent for finding trouble.

I loved Butler’s new characterization of Death: she’s sharp with a deadpan (naturally!) sense of humor. In fact, all the characters are fully-rounded and very believable. Each has his or her own flaws and talents, and the dialogue is very natural, from the hot doctor she starts dating to her neurotic, funeral home-owning family. These characters act like real people and it makes this book a joy to read.

At first I didn’t care for Portia, but once she began her journey and her ultimate transformation from selfish chick to kind-hearted protector, it all made perfect sense. The story really took off for me from the initial hospital room scene where she meets the ghost of murdered secretary Corinne, and I was hooked from there until the very last page. Butler has a deft hand for weaving plotlines together and keeping the action flowing from one chaotic day to the next without losing the reader in a flurry of murders, suspects, industrial espionage and romance. This is the story I would wish for Nancy Drew; you know, if she grew up, got a concussion and saw dead people.

The book ties up some loose threads but not all of them. I’m hoping that’s because Butler plans to continue the series and give Portia a rich, full, dangerous life.

THE FIRST GHOST by Marguerite Butler is published by Lyrical Press and available in a variety of ebook formats on the publisher's website and at Amazon.

Vacay for First Friday

2011-07-02T20:55:00.000-07:00

Since this is a holiday weekend (and I've been up to my neck in freelance work lately) my monthly AW book review will post on the second Friday in July on the 8th. I'll review Marguerite Butler's ebook THE FIRST GHOST! Need some great suggestions for holiday weekend reads? I'm rotating between Butler and three other great books: HEXED: THE IRON DRUID CHRONICLES by Kevin Hearne, A GRIM PACT by Adam Slade and ALMOST A SPINSTER by Jenna Petersen. Enjoy!

First Friday AW Review: Dustin Time by June Kramin

2011-06-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

I haven’t read a romance in a long time, but when I heard about a time-traveling romance I was intrigued. So I downloaded Dustin Time by June Kramin late one night and opened it up to make sure the download worked. Four chapters later, I realized I was about to have a weekend devoted to reading about Kaitlyn and Dusty.

Dumping your boyfriend on your birthday? That’s no problem for Kaitlyn. Too bad she can’t follow through with that thought before she starts traveling more than Sam Beckett in Quantum Leap.

As she jumps through time, she creates different timelines with the man in her life, but what will scare her more: love, marriage and a baby carriage or ending up alone? While spinning through disastrous first dates to an ultimate sacrifice that may cost Kaitlyn her true love, she finally works out the reasons behind her dimension-hopping. Too bad time may not be on her side.

Every time I thought I knew where the story was going, Kramin expertly turned me on my ear. This was literally a story I could not put down. Plus, the plentiful love scenes were sexy without being X-rated.

You hear people say “I couldn’t put this book down!” That was the honest truth with this book. Every time I turned off my e-reader, ten minutes later I turned it back on. Dustin Time is an irresistible story of love with a neat sci-fi kick with a thoroughly satisfying ending. Thanks to June Kramin, I’m back on the romance bandwagon!

Dustin Time is published by Champagne Books, and is available in both ebook and print.

Geekquadrapalooza!

2011-05-25T08:20:00.000-07:00

This day is the holidapocalypse for geek celebrations—pick one, or get creative with the costuming and go for all four; personally, we think that a towel-toting Jedi with a lilac corsage and duct-taped glasses would sweep any costume contest held today.

Don’t forget your towel, and don’t panic! Towel Day celebrates the work of author Douglas Adams, who wrote the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series. Feel free to celebrate any way you want, you zarkin’ frood—read a book, show off your “42” tattoo or lay down in front of a demolition if you’re feeling very brave and somewhat stupid.

This is also Geek Pride Day, a chance to wear your dice bag out in the open or argue over the virtues of Apple vs. Linux.

Of course, this is Star Wars Day, the annual celebration of the first movie’s release date in 1977, which was really the fourth movie and the official first movie was released fourth. Confused you are? It all makes sense in a galaxy far, far away.

Finally, May 25 marks a tongue-in-cheek serious note ( like there’s any other kind with Discworld fans.) This is Wear the Lilac Day, which mixes a fictional holiday with a real cause in true nerd style. Originally written into the Discworld mythos by Pratchett as a day to remember those lost in the Glorious Revolution of Treacle Mine Road, it’s now also a day for fans to raise awareness and money for Alzheimer’s Disease, which Pratchett now suffers from.

Any holiday that makes me choose between Adams and Pratchett is a tough one, but my lilac towel and Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster (yea for TeeFury!) t-shirt await.

How will you celebrate today?

Kind Words: Better Than Prozac

2011-05-08T22:06:00.001-07:00

Ever have an entire week of Mondays? I did recently, and on one of those endless days I was cranky, frustrated and rushed. I hopped out of the truck to run an errand, dropped off the package, and the person facing me said something that changed my day:

“I love your horoscopes.”

It’s a short sentence, but a powerful one for a writer to hear. I thanked the person and floated back to the truck.

I have been lucky enough in my freelance career to receive many such compliments, and they always seen to arrive just when I need them most. Sometimes it will be a face-to-face meeting with a reader of my column, other times it will be an e-mail or card from someone who appreciated an article I’ve done.

Within the last few years, I’ve started paying it forward by e-mailing, tweeting or leaving a Facebook comment for an author whose work I’ve truly enjoyed. Those comments are usually received enthusiastically, since under those rejection-hardened thick skins are often delicate egos needing a boost. Knowing that you’ve touched someone in a positive way with only your words makes all those nights and days hunched over a keyboard worth it, and kind, sincere words are something every writer needs to hear now and again.

If you’re concerned that all that praise goes to my head, don’t worry. If I’m feeling too big for my britches, that’s when I hear this:

“I read your stuff, you’re almost as funny as the last person who wrote for the paper.”

At least it all evens out.

What was the most memorable compliment you’ve received for your writing? Share below!

First Friday AW Review: Love Is Like A Rainbow by Dawn Colclasure

2011-05-06T21:43:00.000-07:00

Today’s AW First Friday review is a poetry book…right after the end of National Poetry Month. What can I say? I’m a rebel, and there should be poetry in every month.

There’s a lot to love about Love Is Like A Rainbow by Dawn Colclasure. Every poem is a love letter with a different address: some to a lover, some to a friend, others to a greater power above, and a few to the reader's own heart. Each paints a vivid picture, and I even choked up reading a few, something I don't do often. Colclasure is a master of structured verse, and her giving heart shows through in each and every page, from surviving the pain of heartbreak to rejoicing in passion.

That said, my favorite poem is an unrhymed free verse called “Holding You.” It's sensual and intimate without being naughty. I approach poetry like jazz, free form with twists and turns, so it makes sense that this one would appeal to me. I hope Colclasure steps out more with free form and takes a few risks, because her riffs would be fabulous. I also adore “Don’t Cry Now,” a soothing lullaby of the heart. I can visualize these words passing between friends as one comforts another after all seems lost.

LOVE IS LIKE A RAINBOW would make a great gift for a sentimental significant other; in fact, there are many poems in this slim volume that would be perfect for a wedding or vow renewal. You can even buy it for yourself and re-live all your own bittersweet memories of the heart. It's available from GypsyShadow Publishing in ebook or print form.

Stay Tuned...In Your Mind

2011-04-26T17:48:00.000-07:00

When I was young, I watched a lot of TV. I learned so much: how to say “cerrado” from Sesame Street, how to fix family crises in less than thirty minutes and how to solve crimes wearing a bikini. Hey, it was the 1970s.

Maybe it’s because I was an only child for most of those years, but I spent a lot of time thinking about the characters I discovered on TV and in books. I wondered what they did in life beyond the scope of one show or a few classics. Did Nancy Drew grow up to be Nancy Grace? Is Encyclopedia Brown a dot-com millionaire recluse? Did Jack Tripper ever achieve his dreams, or is he now managing an Olive Garden and spending way too much time at night on Internet poker sites? Did Bruce Banner find a cure for his Hulkiness and go into the fashion business designing rip-proof distressed jeans?

When I’m stressed out from the freelance life of interviews and deadlines, my mind floats off to all those characters and what they might be doing now. Some people meditate, I create whole new worlds for Bigfoot and the Six Million Dollar Man to continue the passionate friendship frowned upon by so many small-minded people.

Overactive imagination. Just one of the perks of being a writer.

Are there characters you still think about long after the book or show is over?

Don't Call It A Comeback. Okay, Go Ahead.

2011-04-19T09:51:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time, you read the classics, enjoyed them and moved on to other things. They stayed put, without Hemingway seeking a new business in shoes or Sir Arthur Conan Doyle primping for his close-up. Now, classic writers are having a mid-death crisis. Maybe they’re looking for a little something to spice up eternity, like Jane Austen and her new career in zombies, or maybe they’re fulfilling a goal like Harry Houdini finally coming back from the dead to co-star in a new steampunk movie with Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

Even Edgar Allan Poe is getting in on the action, with a new movie starring John Cusack and his own television detective series. Right now his agent is probably talking to Austen’s, setting up a guest shot on Law and Order: Nevermore.

I bet if the Ghost Hunters set up around Shakespeare’s grave, they wouldn’t hear moaning or even dialogue from MacBeth. They would hear, “What I really want to do is direct.”

What would be your ideal re-vamp on a classic author or character?

Photo credit: Chelsea Daniele, via Flickr

First Friday AW Review: Three Days to Dead by Kelly Meding

2011-03-31T21:26:00.001-07:00

Ever worry about waking up dead some morning? It happened to Evy Stone, and she’s not pleased. She has 72 hours to figure out how she died, why she died, and who’s behind it. Good thing she has friends to rely on. Okay, acquaintances. And maybe a few dangerous strangers.

THREE DAYS TO DEAD by Kelly Meding is a pinball machine of a novel, knocking the reader upside the head and in a new direction with every plot twist. Action fills every corner as Evy fights supernatural forces inside and out, turning a city’s underworld of vampires, goblins, trolls and gargoyles on its flaming, slashed ear. The plot is so tight and tense that I finally let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding when Evy and her companion find a quiet haven to recuperate for a few hours. There’s literally no rest for the wicked or the innocent, however, and the final battle is so sharply written, I could see the fight scenes clearly in my mind.

This book is no light, fluffy fantasy read, but you’ll want to hang on while Kelly Meding slams you into every bell until your world tilts.

THREE DAYS TO DEAD is published by Dell Books and is available at Amazon. It’s the first in the Dreg City series. AS LIE THE DEAD (Book 2) is out in paperback, and ANOTHER KIND OF DEAD (Book 3) will be released this summer.

The Practical Kitchen

2011-03-19T16:13:00.000-07:00

Recently the "Real Simple" website offered up a slideshow about new uses for things in your kitchen. Most were very clever, but still required a certain competency level of the cook. I’ve created my own list to help the culinary-challenged, and mine is more practical because it includes zombie defense.

1. Use a wok as a chest protector when you’re naked and frying bacon. If you’re particularly busty, use two and a bungee cord.

2. Have a crème brulee torch? I don’t know what you’re doing here, but hey, I don’t judge. Torches are great in up-close zombie combat. Attach a couple of those long grill forks to the front for extra poking power.

3. Cookie cutters can be flattened and sharpened into shuriken. You never know when ninjas will attack.

4. When you’ve overfilled the cake pan and a monstrous devil’s food demon is about to explode into the kitchen, wedge a few wooden spoons under between the handle and the side of the oven. This gives you a few seconds to escape Death by Chocolate.

5. Use a pastry brush and some food coloring to gently paint away any evidence that you’ve burned dinner. Hey, who wants more purple pot roast?

6. Take aluminum foil and make it into a hat. This will keep the aliens from stealing your prize pineapple-pepperoni soup recipe. It also distracts anyone coming into the kitchen looking for snacks. Oooh, shiny.

7. A spatula and strips of dish towel make an excellent bow. Fray the ends of string cheese sticks for arrows. Use the bread you baked but no one was brave enough to eat as foundation for a fort. Order in some Chinese food and defend your dumplings against greedy family members.

What are your completely practical uses for kitchen stuff? Share in the comments!

Surviving the Snow-in

2011-02-08T22:33:00.000-08:00

Here in the South, we expect a little snow. It’s fun, it’s fluffy, it melts. This winter, however, has been a brute. As I emerge from a five-day forced respite from society, I have a few notes to myself for the next round of storms.

1. Buy emergency chocolate.

2. Make sure emergency chocolate (and anything else you may need) is not in the car when the freezing rain, ice and snow comes. Otherwise it’s like storing your treats in a snowglobe: you know they’re in there, but you’re not getting them anytime soon.

3. Whatever pre-storm shopping list you’re making, add liquor to it.

4. Cabin fever really isn’t a fever—it’s more of an all-over brain itch. And reality TV just makes it chafe.

5. No matter how small your living space, find a corner for a few minutes a day to spend some time alone. Maybe if you could get into the @!#$% frozen car.

6. Charge up all your devices so if the power goes out, you can tweet about how freakin’ cold you are.

7. Plan to buy secondary back-up emergency chocolate.

8. Learn that carrying wood, breaking through ice and making snow angels all count as workouts.

9. Take comfort that somewhere you will find a Buffy, Doctor Who or T.J. Hooker marathon. You did get liquor, right?

10. When you finally make it out into civilization, try not to attack the first person you see like a crazed weasel starved for conversation. It’s very difficult to buy chocolate when the grocery clerk has a restraining order against you.

So, what tips do you have for surviving this winter? Share!

First Friday AW Book Review: Touched By An Alien and Alien Tango by Gini Koch

2011-02-03T21:45:00.000-08:00

What would it take to get you out of jury duty? For Katherine “Kitty” Katt, it takes aliens and lots of ‘em. By the time she sorts the good from the bad, she’s involved in a twisty love triangle with two hot Alpha-Centurions, and she’s the only human brave enough to save the world from evil, soul-sucking creatures with just hairspray and an attitude.

TOUCHED BY AN ALIEN is the first in the Katherine Katt series, and it is packed with action in every sense of the word. The story is told in first-person, and a lot of the plot falls into place through dialogue. This was difficult for me to wrap my head around at first, since there were several characters interacting with Kitty. Within the first few pages, however, I found the groove and fell for the Tracy-Hepburn patter between Kitty and Jeff Martini, an alien operative so gorgeous he makes SETI a worthwhile investment. In between dispatching bad guys with pens, cars and salt, Kitty finds time to enjoy some of the steamiest sex scenes in science fiction. There’s enough action in elevators to make Steven Tyler proud.

In ALIEN TANGO, Kitty and company once again set out to save the world, and face such scares as bigotry, jealousy and the dreaded school reunion. They learn along the way that the worst enemies aren’t from outer space, and that even alien-hating weirdos hope to get probed by a hot extraterrestrial.

Funny, fast-paced and sexy, the ALIEN series is a fantastic read and would make an incredible action/comedy/romance movie. I’ve read both books twice now, and I can’t wait for the next installment, ALIEN IN THE FAMILY, coming in April. If you want to get lucky with your geek girl this Valentine’s Day, forget flowers. Buy her these books, then go find an elevator. You're welcome.

TOUCHED BY AN ALIEN and ALIEN TANGO are published by DAW Books, and are available at Amazon and other bookstores worldwide.

Voices in the wind

2011-01-27T13:17:00.000-08:00

I'm an avid television fan, and I've put in enough couch time to earn my stripes as a sofa spud. But lately I've noticed something wonderful when I turn off the TV: I hear voices. Not the strap-me-in-the-straitjacket kind, but the writerly kind. Voices from different characters I've created in NaNo novels and short stories and voices from stories yet to be written.

When the world is quiet, my imagination tentatively pokes its head out, sees the coast is clear, and says "All right, now that I have your attention here are some lovely plot lines and character dialogue I want you to use. Go ahead, get a pen. Let's begin."

I've even been thinking about unfinished stories from long ago, characters that stayed with me. Manuscripts that still have a chance. Entire worlds that I partially built from sand, but the sea never quite swept away.

These quiet days are a rare luxury, like finding chocolate wrapped around a gold bar. But when they do come around, I pick up the pen. I listen. And I begin.

Photo credit: nuttakit, courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Rejections and Their Corresponding Gifts

2011-01-21T12:41:00.000-08:00

The writer/manuscript relationship is a special thing but rejections from agents and editors are going to happen. Like anniversaries, if you can make it through the first one, you'll have a fighting chance. Here are some gift ideas for your upcoming rejections.

1^st: Traditional: paper. Take some paper, preferably a few pieces with Lincoln or Jackson printed on them, and buy some tequila. Fix yourself a strong margarita on the rocks, with salt, because that’s a good analogy for the writing life in general—when you end up on the rocks, take it with a grain of salt. Have another. Take the night off and watch any show on E! because they have to be more pitiful than you right now.

5^th: Traditional: wood. Go out and buy yourself a baseball bat. No, it’s not for anyone who had rejected you, but you will need a hobby to get your mind off that blinking cursor, and playing baseball gets you out into the fresh air. If you’ve been a writer so long that your sports skills have shriveled like a two-week-old party balloon, buy a piñata and find a stick. Stuff the piñata with office supplies. Hang from precarious door frame. Have friend record the event while you swing. The resulting prize money from AFV will keep you afloat since there’s no advance in your immediate future.

10^th: Traditional: tin. Locate the nearest candy store. Buy the largest tin of chocolates possible. Rent “Steel Magnolias” and “Terms of Endearment.” Cry and eat. Don’t get the chocolates soggy.

15^th: Traditional: crystal. Go find a psychic with a crystal ball. Even better if she’s set up inside a tacky carnival. Pay her $20 to ask the spirits if there’s an agent out there for you. Try not to scream when she gets a form letter back from the otherworld stating, “Thank you for your interest, however…”

20^th: Traditional: china. Browse Amazon.com for any Chinese publishing houses that might be looking for a great manuscript. Consider changing main character to a singing panda. Get inspired by this thought, and brainstorm a list of possible panda titles and toy tie-ins for your next book.

30^th: Traditional: pearl. Ask your published friends for pearls of wisdom. Try not to snort like an angry goat when they tell you the secret is patience, persistence and polish. Accept these pearls and rotate them in your hand like chime-filled exercise balls instead of hurling them at your “Hotties of Hogwarts” calendar.

40^th: Traditional: Ruby. Purchase a dozen red velvet cupcakes when your smartphone buzzes with a sad little notification. Realize that writing may be giving you a drinking problem and diabetes. Put cupcakes away. Purchase a pair of ruby slippers. Think how smart they will look on you at your book launch party. Keep them in the box so they stay pristine, at least until your 45^th rejection, when you’re drinking a two-dollar rose’ from them at 3 a.m. and singing “I Will Survive” to an annoyed cat surrounded by empty cupcake wrappers.

50^th: Traditional: gold. Made it to 50? Give yourself a gold star. A real one. Pin it right to your jacket, like generals do. Realize this is the true meaning of a four-star author: someone who has paid her dues in sweat, blood, tears and hangovers. When you get there, you’ll be a battle-scarred veteran unafraid of anything. And you’ll be awesome.

First Friday AW Book Review: A Reaper's Tale by Adam Slade

2011-01-06T21:49:00.000-08:00

Today I’m introducing a new feature on my blog: on the first Friday of every month, I’ll review a book written by a fellow Absolute Write member. (Not familiar with Absolute Write? It’s an incredible writing forum for newbies and professionals of every imaginable genre. Check it out!)

And now, the First Friday AW Book Review.

When chatter about a book invokes the mantle of Pratchett I get all pointy, and not in the good way. In my eyes, writing humorous fantasy means you have a lot to live up to, so I was excited and a little worried when I purchased A REAPER’S TALE by Adam Slade. My concerns were unfounded, because Slade does an excellent job with the main character of Mal, a Grim Reaper with a rogue’s eye for bad girls and a wickedly British sense of humor. Mal’s task is to point souls along to their final reward, but when a reap goes awry and a soul becomes stuck inside him, the adventure begins.

The characters are vivid and well-developed. Mal’s circle of friends and colleagues, from his cat to a 1,000-year-old demon with a very dedicated boyfriend, are unusual and multi-faceted. I never wondered about a demon’s personal life before I read this, and I appreciated Slade’s deft touch with it. The settings and characters are reminiscent of Spider Robinson’s early work, including the secret bar filled with supernatural irregulars hiding behind the façade of a local pub. Mal’s humor and his views on death and humanity do remind me of Pratchett’s satire, but this isn’t the same Death you know from Discworld, not unless you caught him in his early, awkward years. Even though influences from the great fantasy humorists can be felt, this is a new world and the reader will have a blast racing through it with Mal and his unhappy cargo.

A REAPER’S TALE also spends some time in the Great Beyond, where we discover that angels and devils have a breakroom (sometimes the same one) and eternal love and regret can really be a pain in the ass. With soul-grabbing mercenaries, unexpected allies and a final judgment system only slightly better than the DMV, Slade takes the reader on a fast and funny ride. I was sad to let these characters go, and I hope the author returns to Mal’s world again and again. If you’re looking for a great read to slap onto that nice, shiny e-book reader, pick this one.

A REAPER’S TALE by Adam Slade is available through Lyrical Press and on Amazon.

Looking back, stepping forward

2010-12-31T18:16:00.000-08:00

As the hours of 2010 wind down, I think of the old saying, “Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.”

Although this wasn’t a particularly prosperous year for me, it was an amazing education. I’ve learned more about the art and business of writing in the last twelve months than I have in the previous five years. I’ve tried new things that scared the crap out of me, kept going when things felt rough and discovered a sense of accomplishment I never thought possible. The world of queries, proposals, partials, short stories, anthologies, beta reading, critiquing, marketing, branding and yes, rejection, has opened new possibilities for me. Thanks to all my friends for the sharing, caring, advising, poking, sympathizing, urging and laughing on Facebook, Twitter, Absolute Write and real life.

2010 may not have given me what I wanted, but it gave me something better than I could imagine in the first place. I became an Erma, a zombie poet and a braver person. To those who saw their dreams come true this year, congratulations! To the rest of us, 2011 has left the door open wide. All we have to do is charge in, jump on the couch and order room service. Happy New Year!

Three (Free!) Gifts for Writers

2010-12-18T19:23:00.000-08:00

There are so many wonderful gift lists to help you surprise your favorite writer this year (Stacey Graham and Cindy Myers wrote two of my favorites) but what if you’re short on cash and have extra time on your hands? If you can’t swing the latest must-have gadget or even a B&N gift card, don’t sweat it; there are three things you can do for a writer that will mean more to them than anything you can buy. Try one or all three this year; I guarantee you’ll make it a holiday to remember.

Make a space. If your writer has been balancing the laptop on unstable knees while perched on the couch or waiting until dinner is done to steal a little tabletop real estate, make some room for a desk. Rearrange the furniture and create an area just for your wordsmith. You don’t have to buy a desk, but you do need some ingenuity. Erma Bombeck wrote her columns on a door balanced on cinder blocks. Make it yourself if you have some spare lumber and know your way around a hammer. If you don’t have anything suitable, check Freecycle.org. Who cares if it’s particleboard? It will be a little slice of Heaven for someone with a vivid imagination. Like a writer. Extra points if you can round up a few office supplies too, like a mug from the kitchen to hold a few pens or a couple of file folders from the dollar store.

Help with research. You can do this a couple of ways: go the traditional handmade coupon route with redeemable certificates for an hour’s worth of web engine searches, or, if you know what kind of material your writer needs, clip or print articles and interesting tidbits year-round and give them occasionally in a brightly decorated folder. Extra points for rounding out a coupon book with an afternoon of child care when deadlines threaten, a few mandatory days off, a walk in the park when the plot is stuck or (if said writer is your sweetie) a sexy coupon good for a little afternoon delight. After all, everyone needs a good Googling now and again (bow-chicka-wow-wow!)

Ask to read some work. Then read it. Take your time. If he or she wants a critique, fine. Find one good thing for every bit that needs attention. Writers work in solitude, and they always end up asking people to read their stories, articles, poems and posts. Sometimes they feel awkward about it. If you volunteer to read for them, it’s like showering them with sunshine. Your attention and interest in a writer’s scribblings will make his or her day complete. Extra points for family members: collect your writer’s clips after they are published. A scrapbook made up of articles or stories not only show how far a writer has progressed, it demonstrates that you care. What better gift is there, really?

Photo credit: Idea go and FreeDigitalPhotos.net

ThankScreaming Day: Book Reviews for Apexology Horror and The Undead That Saved Christmas

2010-11-24T18:42:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving afternoon and you’re already wishing the relatives would go home? Instead of listening to Uncle Fred’s proctologist stories, sneak away with something even scarier than your family. Both of these books are available in e-book form, so you can hide in the bathroom with your smartphone or e-reader until the last dishes are done.

I read horror much like someone who is discovered with ill-advised substances: “I’m holding it for a friend. Really.”

That said, I do like the non-gory stuff, especially if it’s funny. When I saw the phrase “Cthulhu comedy of manners” on Twitter one day, I had to know more. Apex Book Company was kind enough to share Apexology: Horror, a huge horror anthology which I quickly realized could only be read during full daylight with all the lights on. These are old-school scares done right; no sparkly undead here, just enough creepy terrors to make you crave a Snoopy night light. I did find that Cthulhu story, “To Every Thing There Is A Season” by Dru Pagliassotti, and loved it! If she turned it into a full book, I would snap it up. Her writing is funny, freaky and a better read than “Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters.” I also enjoyed “The Spider In The Hairdo” by Michael A. Burstein, which gave an old urban legend new, frightening life, and “Transylvania Mission” by Lavie Tidhar, a satisfying twist on Dracula. Some stories weren’t my taste, but there is something in this collection for everyone, so it is a great bargain for any scare-seeker.

For the second book, this is part review, part plug. The Undead That Saved Christmas is a zombie holiday anthology featuring stories, art and poems by Stacey Graham, Jason Tudor, Angie Mansfield, and oh yeah, me! Need more awesomeness? It also has an introduction by S. G. Browne, author of zombie hits Breathers and Fated. Proceeds from the anthology go to the Hugs Foster Family Agency and editor Lyle Perez-Tinics has selected a diverse undead lineup to keep readers entertained.

In addition to great folks and a great cause, the book has some stellar zombie action, from mad scientists and killer elves to zombie Santas and AK-47s painted like candy canes. “The Legend of Zombie Claus” by Joe Fillippone has some of the best dialogue I’ve ever read in a horror story, and several stories have a delightfully twisted sense of humor; Graham’s “To All A Good Fright” made me laugh out loud from the first line. The Undead That Saved Christmas is also available as an old-fashioned print book, just in case you want to share the drippy, gooey, brain-eating fun with someone special.

Not Even Close to Almost Famous

2010-11-14T13:47:00.000-08:00

“If you ever get lonely, just go to the music store and visit your friends.”-Penny Lane, Almost Famous

I started freelancing the same year that movie came out. A friend taped it off PPV for me since it was about a magazine writer. I watched it every day during a long lunch break between scouring the Internet for writing opportunities and creating press releases and newsletter copy for local businesses. Aside from the fact that it featured a tiny part by my fave musician, Peter Frampton, it showed the writer’s life to be hopeful, delusional and frustrating all at the same time. Virginity-popping threesomes and epic rock tours aside, it still resonates with me today; the main character is constantly worried about deadlines and getting the job done.

I remembered the movie quote above when I could finally go to the bookstore, pick up a magazine and see my name. It became more relevant as I gained writer friends online; I began to look for their bylines too. Magazine articles became books, and I loved each rare time I found a friend’s name on a shelf.

Now, 95 percent of my writing community is online and those names are bountiful in the stacks. Last time I went to Barnes & Noble, I bought four books, each one by someone I already knew via Absolute Write, Twitter or Facebook. I learn from them, admire them and feel like I’m in on something special. It’s a delicious thrill, one that I’m eager to share whenever my book finally finds an agent, a publisher, and a space on that shelf. My time is coming. Until then, I have social media, texting and e-mail.

But when I feel lonely, I still go to the bookstore and visit my friends.

'Essential' Winners!

2010-11-02T14:05:00.000-07:00

Mr. Random has made the selection, and the winners of a copy of THE ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO GETTING YOUR BOOK PUBLISHED are.... Michelle from Clover Hill Book Reviews, and Andrea! Congratulations, please email or DM us your addresses, and we'll get the ball rolling on those prizes!

Thanks to everyone who entered, and a big thank you to Workman Publishing for making this giveaway possible!

Book Review and Giveaway: The Essential Guide to Getting Your Book Published

2010-10-27T07:34:00.000-07:00

What’s better than one blog giving away a book? Two blogs giving away books! I’ve partnered up with friend and very funny fellow writer Stacey Graham (from Betwixt & Between) to review the latest must-have writing tool from Workman Publishing and help a couple of folks receive their very own free copy. Giveaway details are listed just after the review.

If someone had handed me a copy of THE ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO GETTING YOUR BOOK PUBLISHED by Arielle Eckstut and David Henry Sterry when I was sixteen, my professional writing career would be very different—and better—today. (For one thing, I would have known about the Internet and E-books back in the 1980s, ka-ching!)

I have been a writer for most of my life so far, and I’ve read a LOT of books on the subject. Usually, at some point during the book, I’ll find a passage or idea and call bullcrap on it. That didn’t happen with this book. Eckstut and Sterry covered every base I could think of, and added a few I didn’t know about.

Building platforms, getting an agent, working with editors, understanding contracts, untangling the web of ebooks, tackling marketing and publicity: it’s all here in clear, honest and often funny language. As a humor writer, it takes a lot to make me laugh out loud, and this book did it several times. The authors hooked me with an up-to-date social media section, including an interview with noted author and Master Tweeter Neil Gaiman conducted over Twitter.

As a multiple-year NaNoWriMo winner, I also loved seeing Chris Baty’s proposal for his book, NO PLOT? NO PROBLEM! The book even wraps up with the very proposal Eckstut and Sterry used, so you have two winning examples to use as blueprints.

The self-publishing section is comprehensive; the subject has its share of champions and foes in the publishing world, and I find my own opinion changing depending on the time of day. They explain the different types of self-pubbing, what to avoid, and how to sell successfully.I think one of the most important sections is the explanation between vanity presses and legitimate self-pubbing; if you don't know the difference, you must read it.

No matter what type of book you want to write and see published, this guide will help you through the process better than any combination of Scotch and prescription drugs.

And now for the best part! Winning your very own copy of THE ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO GETTING YOUR BOOK PUBLISHED! There are several ways to enter:

Follow me @plaidearthworm and Stacey (@staceyigraham) on Twitter and mention the giveaway with a link back to our blogs, using the hashtag #GTBPgiveaway
Give both sites a "thumbs up" using StumbleUpon
Tell us on both blogs why you need this book in our comments section. Be sure to tell us if you are following us on Twitter - please leave your @ID and your email address so we are able to contact you if you win!
The winners will be chosen on November 2, 2010, by Random.org and announced on both sites.

Good luck to all of you!

Book Review: How to Survive A Garden Gnome Attack

2010-10-22T09:10:00.000-07:00

Chuck Sambuchino invites you to a garden party....of Death!

His first humor release, HOW TO SURVIVE A GARDEN GNOME ATTACK from Ten Speed Press, is a twisted, fun read aimed at protecting your ass from those so-called innocent statues lurking on your lawn. Sambuchino creates an intricate little world of danger hidden in everyday life, a world so detailed that I wonder if he has some hidden Dungeon Master experience in his past.

The 106 pages are broken down into sections: Assess, Protect, Defend and Apply. Thwarting the tiny demons involves a multitude of actions, from using commercial fertilizer on your lawn to keep it green and make gnomes crazy to removing all sharp implements from your kitchen, especially “those small pointy little corncob holders.”

Baseball bats, flamethrowers, chemical warfare, moats and even a big @#$% dog come into play as weapons against gnomes, along with advice from gnome defense experts. Find a tiny crop circle in your garden? That means a gnome home invasion could happen at any time.

In this secret, evil gnome-ridden world, paranoia becomes your protector and friend: did you really leave the wheelbarrow out of the garage? Why is the dog acting weird? Advice on keeping a logbook of suspicious activity also adds a nice Cold War-style touch of fear. HOW TO SURVIVE A GARDEN GNOME ATTACK is a sharp parody of today’s polarized “killers and bedbugs behind every corner” culture. It’s also a slight tweak on modern in-your-face horror literature of zombies and other creepy things that go bump in the night.

Now we just have to figure out how to kill a vampire with a tiny corn cob holder.

I Love Rejections

2010-10-11T13:32:00.000-07:00

(Above: my favorite clip ever on making the most from rejection.)

Yes, I love rejections. Think I’m being sarcastic? Not at all. While we all want to see that magical ‘Yes,’ rejections are an essential part of writing. I’ve received many rejections in my career as a freelance writer. I’ll be honest: the first few I cried over, the next fifty or so required margaritas and chocolate. After that, I learned to study rejections and even take away some encouragement, especially with personal rejections including a quick note from the editors. Did the editor have a specific idea or suggestions in mind? Ask me to submit again? Receiving something besides a form rejection became a chance to improve my work.

When I began my adventure into the world of book publishing this year, I discovered rejections are almost considered door prizes. Querying an agent has become ridiculously easy thanks to e-mail, and most agents take e-queries. Some only take e-queries. But the huge amount of queries stuffing inboxes (I imagine the inboxes swelling, cartoon-style, until you hear a ‘Pop!’ and words explode out of the computer like confetti) means that many agents will only contact you if they’re interested in your project. I completely understand why this is done, but for the hopeful writer, it can suck. A polite ‘No thanks’ can give a writer some closure and let you move on.

This is why I love rejections even more these days. It’s a notch in the belt, a bit of experience earned. Form rejections are fine; personal rejections with comments or suggestions are wonderful. Some agents are so good at form rejections, you’ll think it’s a personal note written just for you. To learn the difference, I highly recommend signing up with QueryTracker.net, where other seekers often leave examples of form rejections in the comments section so you can compare notes.

As for me, the search continues, but these days my lip doesn’t even quiver when a rejection shows up in my inbox. I know someone took the time to reply to my query, and I’m one more step closer to that ‘Yes.’

TV Icons Who Boosted Reading

2010-08-28T21:58:00.000-07:00

While television receives a well-deserved beatdown for blasting away the literate skills of Americans, there are a few incidents when the piñata ducks the stick. The boob tube may not transform into the brain tube anytime soon (not until a handful of adults can actually conquer ‘Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?’ but thanks to some unforgettable TV personalities, there were a few brief moments when America was all on the same page.

King of the Wild Frontier
Eat your heart out, Harry Potter. In 1954, the kids went crazy for a different kind of hero: Davy Crockett. A patriotic little Disney-produced mini-series playing up the mythical status of Crockett hit the waves, causing a year-long Crockettmania that swept the country and cleaned out parents’ pocketbooks. The five-part series starring Hollywood favorite Fess Parker was televised three times over the course of 1954-55, and the reruns pulled stronger ratings than the first showing. For the very first time, Disney’s merchandising reached Hanna Montana-like proportions, and books were an important part of the pre-VCR, whats-the-Internet hysteria. Some reports claim that fourteen million books were sold that year, from re-released biographies of Crockett meant for adults to dime store comic books. One little picture book of Crockett’s television adventures garnered a million pre-orders on its own; not bad for a country with 150 million people and six million television sets in 1950. After the third showing of the series, the fad died out, and people turned their attention back to Ed Sullivan and ‘I Love Lucy,’ storing up those books for countless yard sales.

Aaaaaayyyyyyyyy.
While the country was infatuated with the late 1700s in 1954, when the seventies came along, America was in a nostalgic mood over the 1950s. The comedy ‘Happy Days,’ and its spinoff, ‘Laverne & Shirley,’ topped the ratings in 1977 and made Henry Winkler’s character, The Fonz, into a television legend. Not only could he light up the jukebox with a slap, he could fill libraries across the country with a sentence. According to Winkler himself in various interviews, after the Fonz received a library card in a September episode that year, registrations for library cards jumped 500 percent. There’s only one catch: neither he nor the American Library Association can prove it. While the actor maintains that his character had a tremendous influence on a reading surge, the ALA admits that new card registration statistics weren’t uniformly collected as data. The ALA even lists the incident in a webpage FAQ, and says while the data isn’t there to back up Winkler’s claim, they can’t disprove it, either. Given the massive influence the Fonz had back in the day, it’s certainly within the realm of possibility. Hey, would you doubt a man whose jacket rests in the Smithsonian?

You buy a book! And you buy a book!
Any discussion on the impact of television on books wouldn’t be complete without the big O herself. Talk shows have featured authors and their books for decades, but in 1996, Oprah Winfrey took it to the next level by starting Oprah’s Book Club, a regular feature on her self-titled show. Each book featured in the club received the host’s personal thumbs-up and more than sixty books in thirteen years were devoured by a cultish, two-million-strong readership. Since each selection also received a re-printing with the official Oprah logo as well, authors saw their books zoom up the bestseller lists. Many became millionaires just from book club sales, and eight books were turned into movies. Although there’s no conclusive data on how many books Oprah is responsible for selling, the total would likely be in the millions. The club hit some bumpy patches, such as Jonathan Franzen’s revolt or James Frey’s slight, ahem, foray into exaggeration. But there’s no doubt that when Winfrey’s show wraps up in 2011, her literary claim to fame will be hard to top.

Photo credit: Flickr:bobster855

Take This Job and Fluff It

2010-08-13T20:33:00.000-07:00

Within one week, the country discovered two incredible stories of people leaving their jobs with flair. Before they could even tell us that they don't like to talk about their flair, both were busted.

The story of Jenny quitting her skeezy boss via a white board and email was funny, imaginative and inspiring. It was also too good to be true, since the whole episode was quickly revealed to be a prank. (Although I still hope that out there, somewhere, a few downtrodden assistants took notes.)

So we were left with Steven Slater, a JetBlue flight attendant who apparently reached a personal tipping point in the delicate balance of job vs. crap and exited his employment in true blue, American, Johnny-Paycheck-Take-This-Job-and-Shove-It style by baring his soul, grabbing some suds and sliding into the sunset. Now 'apparently' may be the operative word in that entire folk-hero scenario, since other passengers on the plane claimed that no argument happened, Slater just snapped on his own and decided to start his weekend early.

In a tense economy, catching crap is now built into a lot of job descriptions. If you want to eat, then you keep a drawer full of fake smiles, vodka and Prozac. But both tales captured our collective imagination because they made us laugh, nod and be glad that no one was shot. Too bad both may turn out to be as genuine as the E! Channel reality show lineup.

There is one person, however, that may take the prize: an unnamed Lufthansa flight attendant. She didn't quit her job; in fact, she had fun with it. She started a pillow fight, lightened the passengers' mood and even received applause at the end. (Go ahead, read the Consumerist story and watch the clip.)

Maybe shoving that job isn't the answer when it all it needs is a good fluffing.

Photo credit: Flickr, via f_mafra

Fact-o-Vision and Hemlock Mojitos

2010-07-18T16:58:00.000-07:00

Socrates said an unexamined life isn’t worth living, but I believe too much self-examination can lead to a nasty rash, plus a crick in your neck from all that belly-button staring. But, since Amy at Mind Over Mullis has so graciously bestowed this Versatile Blogger award on me and hightailed it for the nearest exit, I’ll share some randomness and make Socrates regret those words as much as that last hemlock mojito.

First, the ground rules (which would have been an awesome name for Newton’s garage band):Thank the blogger who passed this award on. Thanks, Amy!

List seven things about myself? Good grief, even I can’t take that much of me. How about four? Done.

Pass this award to five other bloggers.I choose Jen at Creatif, Marguerite at Marguerite Says, and Michele at Writing the Cyber Highway, because I'd love to see her post there again. If Amy gets a pass on counting, so do I. So there. Nyah.

Fact in the Crowd: I have one of those faces. If I’m not smiling, people think I’m mad. If I am smiling, they think I’m up to something. I also give off an assistant manager vibe: plop me down in any grocery or discount store, and strangers will wander up to me, asking about directions, specials, or the bathroom. On a bad day, I’ll send all three requests to the same spot.

Factoid Celluoid: I love cartoons. I’ve seen ‘The Incredibles’ more times than I can count, and I can quote from nearly any original Scooby-Doo episode. When I discovered that the artist who drew the new Darkwing Duck comic was on Twitter, I squeed out loud. My faves are a mix of new and old: Hong Kong Phooey, Spongebob, I.M. Weasel (oh, that deep Michael Dorn voice!), the Penguins of Madagascar and, of course, Scooby Doo.

The Fact-Word: There is a time and place for blue language, but I’m far more impressed when comedians exercise some brain cells instead. A dirty thought said in a clean way can be very funny, and the sly wordplay required is wonderful to watch; a ballet of double entendres never bores me. That’s why I still watch old ‘Match Game’ reruns.

Fact d’Art: Last week, I tripped over something in the living room while Ovation TV was on; I looked closer, and it was a little piece of twentysomething artistic soul that I thought had been cleared away years ago. After running it through my home CSI kit, I realized there is still a tiny part of that young me who read plays, dreamed of seeing the Louvre and thought seriously about attending the Kansas City Art Institute. Instead of crushing it under the heel of reality, I popped that little fragment into a terrarium, and read art appreciation books to it whenever I can.

Reader-to-Author: Success Behind the Table

2010-06-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

Reading a book is different than watching a movie. A book is personal, where an author’s ideas, words and concepts soak straight into the reader’s brain. That’s why people feel so connected to their favorite authors, but a bad experience at a book fair, conference or event can make the reader feel like a five-year-old told that Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy were in a six-car pileup on the interstate. Bad experiences with bizarre readers can also leave authors in therapy. I’ve been to a lot of these events over the years, mostly in front of the table or podium but occasionally behind it as well. Because everyone has a short attention span on the Net, this will be in two parts.

Part 1: Behind the Table

1. If You’re Not A People Person, Find One. Whoever is behind your book table should be outgoing, friendly and able to talk your work up to potential buyers. If that’s you, then congratulations! Readers love talking directly with the author. If you can’t work your own table or you’re too shy, find someone who’s energetic and will say “Hello” to anyone walking up, not bury his or her head in a book or listen to an iPod and completely ignore browsers. Never leave a table unattended; not only could books disappear, but you never know how many sales were missed.

2. Show Up. If you are speaking at an event and have a table, show up for a signing. Naturally, you’ll get more lining up after your session, so try to land in the chair before a session as well. Your die-hard fans can get some one-on-one time with you before everyone hears your fantastic speech, and the line afterward will flow better.

3. Be Polite. Don’t knock the hotel, trash talk the town, or make fun of the organizers and other speakers. You’re a guest and you might even get paid for this, whether in speaking fees or book sales. Who knows, you just may want to come back sometime.

4. These Are People, Not Dollar Signs. You may see dozens, hundreds, maybe even thousands of people in a day. While they all may blend together to your mind, you stand out to them. Smile, listen if they have a comment and ask if they want the book signed. I will tell you from personal experience that if you take my money, sign a book, thrust it at me and disappear halfway across the room without saying a word before I can even look up, I will never spend my hard-earned cash on your work again. And the book I just bought goes into the library donation box. If you need to take a break, tell people and let them know when you’ll be back. Yes, there are some wingnuts you just need to get away from, but the majority of folks you meet are just there because they like you and want to make that reader/author connection complete.

Next Post: Author-to-Reader: Hold the Crazy In, Please

Image: Bill Longshaw / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Three Random Writing Tips

2010-06-06T16:27:00.000-07:00

I'm celebrating my tenth year as a freelance writer, and recently I've been thumbing through old clips, queries and other stuff that stacks up in those file folders over time. This made me think: what have I learned in my years of freelancing that I could pass on to new writers? These completely random tips are simple things that paid for themselves, and I hope they can help you as well.

The SRSASE (Self-Returning, Self-Addressed Stamped Envelope)

This tip was passed on to me when I attended my very first writing conference as a fresh-faced newbie. Although hard copy queries and submissions sent through snail mail are becoming a thing of the past, some markets still insist on the postal method. When you send a SASE, use your own name and address as the return address. If you’ve misjudged the number of stamps required, you’ll still get that response back from an editor, even if it returns with postage due. Under my return address, I’ll add a code (like Re:Grit or Re:SEP for Saturday Evening Post) so I know which publication is answering my query before I open it.

Clip Worksheet

Keep a list of your published clips and update it frequently. Your list should include the title of the clip, the publication it appeared in and publication date. Even better, create an Excel spreadsheet for your clips, add in genre (short story, essay, article, interview, etc.) and publication rating (1 for national, 2 for trade, 3 for regional, 4 for local, etc.) so you can sort your list any way you need. This isn’t just for your own record-keeping; publications and other writing gigs will occasionally request this information, and if you keep it up to date, you won’t waste hours pulling it together at the last minute.

Professional Is As Professional Does

Some publications accept submissions from their readers as well as from freelance writers. With most of these pubs, submitting as a reader pays far less. When you send a query or submission, be professional. Don’t go on about how many years you’ve read the magazine, or how you would love to see your name in print. Research the magazine so you know which editor should receive your query, prepare your letter in standard business format and present yourself as a professional freelancer. Use standard query language (here is a great primer on queries if you don’t know the basics) and mention your previous writing clips if you have them. I can tell you from experience this means the difference between a $50 check and a $400 check. Acting in a professional manner always pays off in freelance writing.

Five Ways to Celebrate National Poetry Month

2010-03-30T12:12:00.000-07:00

Forget Easter; the poet's biggest holiday, National Poetry Month, is almost here! Soon, the poetry bunny will leave colored metaphors and chocolate stanzas for all the little poets to enjoy. Some will even receive a fuzzy thesaurus, although these delicate creatures must be treated with care and respected. While you're munching on a candy haiku, read through the list below so you'll have other things to do in celebration.

1. Start a community poem on Twitter or Facebook. Ask your friends to chip in, line by line. When it’s done, post it on your blog. Don't even apologize for the inevitable foul language and double entendres.

2. Spot three references to poetry as you go through your day. Example: you saw that Levi’s commercial with a quote from Walt Whitman’s “America,” spotted a poster of Maya Angelou at the library, and read a dirty limerick from the bathroom wall. Yes, it counts, but those “For a good time” scribbles don’t unless there’s more than two lines.

3. Buy a book of poetry. Hey, poets have to eat something besides broken dreams and irony. Read it if you feel adventurous.

4. Find your favorite poem from childhood and recite it aloud to your kids tonight. If they complain, tell them that people used to read many works longer than 140 characters.

5. Volunteer to conduct a mini-workshop for an elementary school class and teach them how to write a haiku. This will be easier if you show up in a martial arts outfit and play the song "Kung-Fu Fighting" in the background. Bonus points if you bring a live panda that actually knows kung-fu and can recite Basho.

Never heard of National Poetry Month? Get thee to Poets.org. And stay tuned, there will be more ways to celebrate NPM next week!

Image by Francesco Marino, courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net